EVERYBODY HAS TO GROW UP.. SO HAVE I

Love Is...

2007-04-23T06:30:00.000Z

Love is being happy for the other person
when they are happy
being sad for the person
when they are sad
being together in good times
and being together in bad times
Love is the source of strength

Love is being honest with yourself at all times
being honest with the other person at all times
telling, listening, respecting the truth
and never pretending
Love is the source of reality

Love is an understanding so complete that
you feel as if you are a part of the other person
accepting the other person
just the way as they are
and not trying to change them to be something else
Love is the source of unity

Love is the freedom to pursue your own desires
while sharing your experiences with the other person
the growth of one individual alongside of
and together with the growth of another individual
Love is the source of success

Love is excitement of planning things together
the excitement of doing things together
Love is the source of the future

Love is the fury of the storm
the calm in the rainbow
Love is the source of passion

Love is giving and taking in a daily situation
being patient with each other's needs and desires
Love is the source of sharing

Love is knowing that the other person will always be with you
regardless of what happens, missing the other person when they are away
but remaining near in the heart at all times
Love is the source of security..

Love is the source of life!

The Rose by Bette Midler

2007-03-14T03:56:00.000Z

Some Say Love, It Is A River
That Drowns The Tender Reed
Some Say Love, It Is A Razor
That Leaves Your Soul To Bleed
Some Say Love, It Is A Hunger,
An Endless Aching Need
I Say Love, It Is A Flower,
And You Its Only Seed

It's The Heart, Afraid Of Breaking,
That Never Learns To Dance
It's The Dream, Afraid Of Waking,
That Never Takes A Chance
It's The One Who Won't Be Taken,
Who Cannot Seem To Give
And The Soul, Afraid Of Dyin',
That Never Learns To Live

When The Night Has Been Too Lonely,
And The Road Has Been Too Long
And You Think That Love Is Only
For The Lucky And The Strong
Just Remember In The Winter
Far Beneath The Bitter Snows
Lies The Seed, That With The Sun's Love,
In The Spring Becomes The Rose

2007-02-24T07:56:00.000Z

MB106, 7th-11th February 2007

final day of training

right after graduation

the graduates

post guest event

hank. ayie. meg. claire. azlin. ila

Giving And Receiving Feedback

2007-02-24T06:28:00.000Z

one of the nice things to receive from people are feedback.
it doesn't matter if they are good or bad feedback.
just as long as you give me your honest word and even if it is harsh to hear it, i'll still thank you for giving it to me.
before, i would just shrug you aside.
i would say this to you, "who the hell you think you are to tell me this? i do not need to hear this from you. you can keep your opinion to yourself. thank you very much."
but now i would be more than happy to hear your opinion.
i would like to know what you think of me as a person.
i would appreciate if you told me the truth. be honest to me. don't pretend to say nice things just because you think the truth would hurt me. or because you are afraid that i would dislike you after you have spoken out.
i may not agree with what you tell me but i will still take everything in and appreciate you for your honesty.
some lady recently told me that she found me arrogant, snobbish and unfriendly.
i didn't blame her for thinking of me in that way but i did feel sad.
it was my fault really because i didn't initiate a conversation with her. i hardly spoke to her over the last three days. i carried myself too highly. and i have always done that. even till today. and i ask myself why do i do it? it doesn't make people like me any better? in fact they dislike me even more! but all is well now between the lady and i for i made the move and i apologised to her.
on another note, the good ones that i've received and i'm not showing off or anything but it has given a boost to my confidence. *blush*

A said he experienced me as a loving, caring, passionate, strong, powerful and charming person.
S said i'm nice, caring, kind.
I said the way i talk is so sexy and very facinating(this came from a woman) she also said that i am a very powerful woman.
Others have said that i'm beautiful, soft spoken, very quiet, more matured than her age, and hot (ohh!)

it's always a nice feeling to hear people say nice things about you =)

2007-02-23T10:42:00.000Z

had our Virgians' cny reunion dinner last night. Wai was supposed to join us but she had to see to some work that came up at the eleventh hour.. missed catching up with you dere.
so that left the four of us at this dark looking cowboy diner.
food was mediocre. the tom collins i had was disappointing too.
sorry girls for suggesting that place.
dont think i'll visit there again.
but we did have a blast yacking, posing and throwing peanut shells all over the place, didn't we?
especially with the presence of TC and YLyn!!
wished Tokkie, YP and Joo could join us..

all that's left are empty plates and glasses

posing with the liquor bottles

another pose

and of course, the classic one

they just had to have one game

one with the lady

who taught us Shithead

with hottie-babe TC

AND
THIS
I
GOTTA
POST UP
HERE..

love you crazygirl

2007-02-23T10:14:00.000Z

"Keep your heart and mind open to the love around you and enjoy each moment. Believe in it and it will happen."

2007-02-21T08:09:00.000Z

two weeks ago, i attended an engaging experiental learning programme where i was allowed to look deeply and honestly at the way i think, feel and act in this world. i had not expected to discover so much about myself, my life in such a short period of time- 5 days!

through the Basic, i have learnt the importance and meaning of awareness, both within myself and my surroundings. it was really an amazing experience. more so when i didn't know what i was letting myself into when i signed up for the training. all i knew was i should go in with an open heart and mind as i really had nothing to lose. if at the end of the day i had not created results or learnt anything about myself then so be it. but the fact is i had gained a lot through the training.

i feel so much happier and alive now, after going for Basic. i feel like i know who i really am now. i have not changed. it's only that i have realised that i am more than what people see. and that's the greatest feeling to have for yourself. i have start learning to appreciate myself. i have learnt that i am not perfect and i can never be perfect. i used to believe that i could be the perfect daughter, grandaughter, sister, friend, girlfriend, and eventually be the perfect wife and mother. i used to blame others and not myself if things go wrong or do not go my way. i used to manipulate people dear to me. i used to want to be right everytime. i used to listen to the things that i deem are important. to the things that i think are not important, i wouldn't care less to listen. i was living my life in my image. we all do that in this world. we all feel comfortable and secure living in our images. i was afraid to show the world who i really was. i was in fact afraid that if i showed my true image, people would begin to judge me and dislike me. i wasn't being honest to myself and to the people around me. but now i realise that people dont really care about you as much as you think they do. we all think and care about ourselves more. we always put ourselves first. it is actually us judging and scrutinising our own selves from head to toe and inside out that has led us to believe that there are people out there watching our every move. it is our own actions and beliefs that we have created through the years of experiences we have been through.

i know i can't change myself. neither do i want to change. but i know that i am aware now of so many things about myself and through this discovery i have learnt to love myself. i still have work to do on myself. i have goals that i want to achieve in life. so this is where the Advanced comes in.

i have experienced so many values in this training but the most valuable tool would be confidence. to believe in myself and to have trust, not in others but in myself.

2007-02-18T07:32:00.000Z

Have a Happy & Prosperous Piggy New Year!

*oink!oink!*

May this year bring you abundant prosperity, happiness, love and good health!

lots of love,
Claire

2007-02-03T10:54:00.000Z

sorry dude.. you've picked the wrong girl for this.

Body: wow....
tembam....
mantap...
gebu...
sexy....
manis...
tak tahan saya tengok....

montox.....
u pakai botox ke.....??
senyuman yg sungguh menawan....

zakaria
single
businessman...
s.alam
kalau sudi call zaxx 016 371 6567
atau 017 642 5358
zaxx tgh boring ni malam2 tak boleh tido..
asyik terbayangkan u ada kat sebelah jerr...
apasal ha......
u ada pakai ilmu ke..?

malam ni kta chatt kat yahoo messanger yukk...
guna webcam
c2c...
guna head phone sbb boleh dgr suara u..
mak sy kata perempuan yg badan sedap dan tembam mcm u ni suaranya mesti best...
kalau sudi chatt dgn zaxx malam ni bagi tahu yerr..

email zaxx....
adiputra_1400@yahoo.com

i found it amusing. it's my first time receiving such a message and a pretty long one too.
and no, i'm not flattered at all!
so please.. go away you horny old man!

2007-02-02T10:20:00.000Z

i've been in a rather chirpy mood today
more so after visiting my trust worthy hairstylist =D
*bounce bounce bounce*
i had warm goldie locks when i first came back from uk
then i ditched them cause i didn't want to be mistaken for an ah lian
so it was copper brown afterwards

someone just recently commented that i look better brunette
he said i looked too blonde before (oohh!)

i didn't want something too dark too black or too red
i finally opted for a light brown with a mahogany tone
dark browns and black are in this season so i heard..
maybe i should have gone for a darker shade. hmmm..

Happy 2007, VIRGIANS!

2007-02-01T11:49:00.001Z

i had been meaning to do this earlier,
but knowing me..
i somehow always end up putting things on hold.. *sighs blushingly*

so here's to The Vivacious, Intelligent, Respectable, Gorgeous, Independent, Amazing, Noble Souls..

the 7 girls whom i've spent my pre-teen and teenage years growing up with..

it's been a long time since the 8 of us got together like this
we were once so young and care free, nothing to worry about..

over the last 5 years,
we have grown a little older and wiser (yes, i still do occasionally make the same mistake; have yet to learn my lesson!)

we have grown a little more matured and definitely grown looking finer since we left high school!

despite us living in different parts of the world (Australia, S'pore, Europe, M'sia) to pursue our separate dreams, i know we'll always be there for each other. and we will try our best to keep this special bond of ours strong for the many more years to come.

love and miss my girls to bits! =)

2007-01-25T10:19:00.000Z

thisismyartofseduction

what's yours??

Far Away

2007-01-15T06:59:00.000Z

This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'd never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of Hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything,but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know

That I love you
I have loved you all along
I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreamin you'll be with me
and you'd never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore

So far away
So far away
far away for far too long
So far away
So far away
far away for far too long

But you know, you know, you know
I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me,and never let me go
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me, never let me go.

The Four Things Interview

2006-12-18T14:33:00.001Z

4 things many don't know:
I need at least an hour to get ready in the morning before I leave the house (bath time included)
I have 22 pairs of shoes with me now
I once cheated in an end of term exam
I prefer watching rugby to football

4 movies i could watch over and over:
Save The Last Dance
A Lot Like Love
You’ve Got Mail
Coyote Ugly

4 places i have lived:
Penang, Malaysia
London, UK
Mantin, Negeri Sembilan, Malaysia
Bangor, North Wales, UK

4 tv shows I love:
Project Runway
Sex And The City
Mcleod’s Daughters
One Tree Hill

4 places i've been for vacation:
LA, California
Vancouver, Canada
Australia (Perth & Brisbane)
Auckland, New Zealand

4 of my favourite food:
Penang Hokien Mee
Caesar salad
Mah mah’s Joo Hu Char
Carrot Cake

4 places i would rather be:
Borocay Island, Philippines
Maldives
New York
Switzerland

4 favourite songs:
What The World Needs Now Is Love – Stacey Kent
For Blue Skies – Strays Don’t Sleep
The Fear You Won’t Fall – Joshua Radin
Always On Your Side – Sheryl Crow & Sting

4 persons tagged:
1) Tokkie
2) And you, you, and you..

I'm Back!

2006-09-25T15:51:00.000Z

... and hopefully i shall not disappear again...

i'll try not to be away for too long next time.
no more than three weeks i promise.
nah.. i'll make that four weeks.
yea, no more than four weeks.

it's bout time i started writing again.

A Toast To Our Start Of A Long Distance Friendship

2006-07-01T18:42:00.000Z

'time and distance have no meaning. being close is an affair of the heart.

one of the most difficult challenges of friendship faces is distance. as much as you intend to call and write, let's face it, it is hard. so much of friendship has to do with the time you spend together and the sharing of similar circumstances like school or camp. to continue a long-distance friendship, i think trust is the most important element. know that even though the calls and the letters come less and less, the love is still the same. this is the proven in that moment you sit down face to face, and it is as if no time has passed at all.'

like you, i worry too.

i worry that we will drift apart.
i worry that we will no longer laugh at each other's silly jokes.
i worry that we will have nothing to talk about or to share.
i worry that you will soon forget about me.
i worry that i will lose my moopig.

you have become the older sister that i could not have. it scares me sometimes to see us so alike in many ways. i guess that is one of the reason to why we have bonded so well over the last 3 years and especially in these last 10 months.

i don't know how to thank you for allowing me to mess up your little shoebox place, for letting me take up half your bed, for dragging you out with me on my retail excursions, for accompanying me to grow fat, and last but not least, thank you for being my moopig.

remember you said you'll be my child's godmother?
i promise we will never lose touch with each other.

never!

my one and only moopig.. your one and only babe..

Pissed And Blue

2006-07-01T14:05:00.000Z

i don't know what i did.
all i wanted was to change the colour.
a very simple thing to do but when i refreshed the page,
it was nothing like what i expected to see.
i screwed it up big time.

i feel like kicking myself!!

why did i have to change it?!
now i have to find the missing pieces and put them back together.
i'm so annoyed at myself.

well at least i have something to keep me busy.
stop me from thinking about some things.
i really need some distraction.

i feel homesick.
i don't feel like myself.
i feel down.
i feel fat.
i feel ugly.
i don't feel like talking to anyone.
i feel like hiding in my hole.
i'm sorry i don't feel like having your company.
i'm sorry if i'm acting cold towards you.
i'm sorry for pushing you away.

i just need some me time.
i just need to be alone for awhile.
i will be fine.
and i hopefully will be back to my usual self.

arrghhh!!!

2006-06-30T23:39:00.000Z

what have i done!?!?

Daddy Dearest

2006-06-18T08:21:00.000Z

A child's first hero is not a film star or
a footballer or even a pop idol-
he's the man who can chase away monsters,
fix anything and knows everything.

He's the man called DADDY.

Daddy- you're my hero-
and you always will be.

Happy Father's Day!!

I Love You Always and Forever..

hugs & kisses,
your darling daughter

A Cold And Gloomy Wednesday

2006-06-15T00:45:00.000Z

the weather changed drastically since i arrived here on tuesday. i think i may have brought the wind and rain from bangor.

i do know of someone who is thanking me for it though ;)
i know you like to hibernate in this sort of weather! but i don't wanna hibernate. i wanna go walk walk in the streets.

i hope it'll be a cool sunny day tomorrow.
please don't let it rain.

Attention: Miss MooPig!!

2006-06-13T06:54:00.000Z

your wish is finally coming true.. teeeeheeeee

i'll be arriving at your doorstep in five and a half hours' time.

i'm gonna bug bug bug you. i know you have missed me tremendously. and that you can't wait to see me!

*shouts, ''i've missed my moopig!''*

we're gonna be roast suckling piglets tonite!

Leaving The Countryside For The Bustling City

2006-06-13T03:38:00.000Z

it's almost 5am, and here i am sitting at my desk typing this entry.
i've cleared out everything that has been hiding under my bed for the past 18months. most of it were notes and reading material(i.e., research papers/journals) and oh yes, not to forget my collection of magazines: elle, cosmopolitan, glamour & harper's bazaar! i wished i could carry them back home with me. it sounds silly but it feels such a waste to throw them away.

wardrobe. check. dressing table top. check. chest of drawers. check. shelves in the bathroom. check. desk drawers. check.

my desk top is still cluttered with some items though. my digicam, vitamins, sunglasses, handphones, handphone chargers, cds, important documents. and of course my notebook which i'm using right now.

i've to catch my train in 5 hours time.

i don't see the point in going to sleep now as i will have to be up in less than 3 hours. will try to catch some sleep during the journey.
i've realised that it's getting worse. i never used to be like this. staying up till the wee hours of the day. i am turning into a nocturnal animal.
very bad.. that is what daddy will say if he found out i was doing late nights/early mornings.
it all started when i was writing up my dissertation and studying for my exams.
soon after that i was away at kirsty's. it didn't help when we were hitting the clubs until two in the morning and then chilling out with the rest in the house. by the time i hit the sack, the sky is bright and the birds are singing away!
i would say my current bedtime is at 5am! i usually get out of bed just after twelve. *terrible i know*
this is why i am so gonna be screwed in three days' time! i have no idea how i'm gonna cope with waking up at 8 o'clock!?!

i need to go back to sleeping properly. must go to bed by 12 and must get up by 8

i'm spending 4 weeks in london!

*weeeeeee...*
i love london!

You Belong in London

A little old fashioned, and a little modern.
A little traditional, and a little bit punk rock.
A unique woman like you needs a city that offers everything.
No wonder you and London will get along so well.

What City Do You Belong In?

even the little quiz agrees with me!
is it trying to tell me something??

well actually, i might only have two full weeks in central london and the rest will be travelling and visiting other places. dublin, cardiff, and bath for sure. might do cambridge or oxford and kent if there's time.
i would love to do a bit of scotland. edinburgh would be nice =)
unfortunately i don't have the time. *dang*

i've yet to visit italy, switzerland, spain, czech republic, germany, portugal.
will definitely come back to the uk and see the rest of europe.
as for now, i will be contented with what i've done and seen.

i have done...

england -
manchester
liverpool
chester
shrewsbury
nottingham
warrington
hatfield
cambridge
brighton
southampton
poole/bournemouth

wales-
wrexham
llangollen
corwen
llandudno
conwy
bets-y-coed
caernarfon
beaumaris
beddgelert
llanberis
porthmadog
harlech
chirk

europe-
paris
florence

and dublin.

uh oh.. my eyelids are feeling heavy now..
my bed is calling for me.
but i gotta stay awake!

Pardon Me For The Lack Of Posts

2006-06-13T00:37:00.000Z

it has been a busy week of packing and repacking (that's shifting around the packed items from one box to another box so i can find and make more space to fit more things)
it seems like a never-ending-process!
i know i have been taking my own little sweet time. i've been trying to avoid doing it at every opportunity i can find.

just because i have been posting less lately, it does not mean that i have taken a break from writing.
in fact, i have been writing everyday. putting down bits and pieces of my thoughts and saving them as drafts.
i just have not had the time to sit down and edit it properly.

yea, you can blame it on the World Cup too!! ;P
it's the eat-sleep-shit-laugh-cry-football-season for some people but it's not for me!
i am not a football fan you see..

therefore, I AM NO WORLD CUP MANIAC.

i have the least and tiniest interest in watching someone run after a ball. and of course kick it. i have not been sitting in front of the telly, bum glued on the couch, cheering or cursing away at the players since the season kicked off on friday. *yawn...*

i know of some girls (some of whom are my girlfriends) will be following and watching their favourite teams play. it's good. i have nothing against them showing their love and support for the sport. please don't get me wrong here.
enough talk about footie.
i'll post something longer, interesting and not about football soon.

He Who Got It From Me

2006-06-11T02:31:00.000Z

nobody likes to be stood up. i have never been stood up before and i certainly would never want to experience it.

i feel that i have been a very horrible and terrible person. i knew it was wrong but yet i went ahead with it. i should have cancelled it. or better still i should not have said yes. what was i thinking!? why did i say yes straight away? it is not like me to do something like this.

i feel awful.
i hate being the bad person.
he must think of me as a right bitch now.

my social life has been in non-existance since i came back here last september. with my studies all over now, i thought it'll be good to get back into the dating scene again, to have some fun and meet new people.
he seemed harmless. but as soon as i got to know him a little bit more, i didn't quite like what was in front of me. i realised that it was a bad idea to accept it.
he began to be a little too pushy. desperate is another way of putting it. he displayed the eagerness of wanting to meet me immediately. i felt uncomfortable when he said things that some of us would love to hear from a guy but for me to hear this from someone i don't really know and have not met yet, was putting me off. i somehow did not enjoy the attention that he was giving me.
i started to turn cold and i ignored his messages.
he reminded me of the last encounter i had two years ago with the burmese guy (this one is from turkey by the way) ironically, both are in their early thirties.
mr. burmese did chemistry in university while mr. turkish is doing his PhD in genetics.

can someone please tell me that i am just being too paranoid!

i was supposed to come home on wednesday. we were supposed to go out on thursday night. i only got back home late friday afternoon.

i assumed that he might pressume that the date was cancelled as i had not returned his messages. i wasn't able to get hold of him as i didn't have any access to the internet. i did not have his contact number either.
thank goodness i didn't give him my number!

i tried not to think about it that thursday.

maybe i am selfish. maybe i didn't care if i were to hurt his feelings. maybe i knew i had nothing to lose if i were to not go out with him.

i decided that by not replying him would be the best way to disappear from his life. i am leaving this place after all. i didn't fancy him in the same way that he did towards me.
the same thing happened between me and mr. burmese. we fell out and i have not spoken to him since the incident. and now the same thing has repeated itself.

what is wrong with me?

Me Likey The New Look

2006-06-09T10:19:00.000Z

i wasn't intending to stay up this late.
neither did i have the intention of giving it a face-lift.
why thanks to moopig, i got hooked onto the html codes!! *bleKkkk*

it looks pretty now don't you think?
me likey the new look
teeheeee

time to hit the sack now..

*oh wait... is that the seagulls and crows i hear outside?!*

My Marbled-Chocolate Banana Bread

2006-06-08T13:37:00.000Z

i was in the mood to do some measuring and mixing in the kitchen yesterday. i thought i'd try this banana bread recipe before i packed all my kitchen utensils away. i had also wanted to use up my leftover flour and sugar.

it came out quite nicely. could do with a slightly less crumbly texture but it was just right to my liking! it wasn't too sweet either. i do not like my cakes to be very sweet.
all in all i am pleased that my first attempt at this recipe was a success. *grin*

i took this recipe from here

2 cups all-purpose flour
¾ teaspoon baking soda
½ teaspoon salt
1 cup sugar
¼ cup butter, room temperature
1½ cups mashed bananas
2 large eggs
¼ cup low-fat plain yoghurt
½ cup plain chocolate chips

Preheat oven to 180° C. Grease loaf tin.
Cream butter and sugar together. (i didn't have caster sugar so i used light brown sugar instead)
Mix flour, baking soda and salt together.
Add eggs, mashed banana and yoghurt. Melt the chocolate chips and set it aside.
Add the flour mixture to the banana mixture.
Spilt the cake mixture into half. Mix one half of the mixture with the melted chocolate chips.
Place alternate spoonfuls of the chocolate and plain cake mixture into the loaf tin.
Swirl the mixture together using a knife.
Bake for an hour.

On Talking Terms

2006-06-08T00:42:00.000Z

it was the first time we chatted online after two and a half months of complete silence.

how did i feel?
i felt okay. i was relatively calm.
i feel a little glad now that he has initiated to talk.
i didn't want us to be strangers.
to cut him out of my life felt wrong.
after all we once started of as friends,
and there was something special that we had although it was for a short period.
the special something meant a lot to me

it didn't feel that weird talking to him again as i thought it would be.
i guess it's because so many months have passed by now.
i've learnt to let go
and i've begun to move on especially over the last couple of weeks.
i don't think of him as often as i used to..
i have other things on my mind now
i have found other things to keep my mind occupied

i do not want to keep those feelings
i know i still have them inside me
a bit here and there
sometimes i am still all over the place
i do want to get rid of it
and i will eventually reach the point where i will be sincerely happy for him

we did a little catching up
he has a new lady in his life
work is still the same, nothing new
i told him about my rough plans,
what i intend to do
will have to see how things go till end of the year

She's Back

2006-06-06T00:45:00.000Z

i just realised that the last time i wrote something in here was last month! *single gasp*
the weeks just flew by and we're almost through the first week of june! *double gasp*

my finals are over at last.. (hoorayy!)
*am now crossing my fingers and toes and praying very very hard that i can pass my degree decently*

the past week and a half has been great despite the late nights and alcohol overload. it was a good break to unwind myself from all that stress. i wasn't expecting all of this but i guess it's true when they say that things do happen to you when you least expect it. and it certainly did in my case.

i got to spend time with kirsty. i don't know when i will get to see her again after i leave this country.
i got to meet new people and made some new friends as well.
it was all good fun.

so now that the partying is over, i have to kick my arse and sort what things needs to be packed into boxes or suitcases and what things can be given away or thrown away.
yup.. it's the thing i dread most.. packing!!

well it's not really that horrible but because i have to get everything sorted out by end of this week as i will be away on holiday for a month before i fly back home.. and i'll only be coming back to the house to pick up my things so really i must have to get everything ready for collection.

this is something i just can't avoid doing..

The Week As It Was

2006-05-20T22:12:00.000Z

it wasn't as i expected it to be. i really didn't know what i was expecting. i thought i was prepared and all but when it came, i just tried and gave my best. i don't think i could have performed any better than i already have. i'm not even sure if i should be disappointed with myself. it's too late to fret about it now. it's over. it's done.

it's been nearly four months since i got out of this town. i have missed bumping into people while walking on the busy streets, waiting for the red buses, taking the underground tube, visiting my all time favourite high street stores, and sipping on a cup of pipping hot starbucks coffee. i decided to have a mini gateaway early this week. mei's birthday happened to fall early this week too. what better way to kill two birds with a stone? so there i went down to London and spent two full days in my favourite city with the company of two of my great girlfriends.

the little sister wanted to eat in on her birthday and since it was her special day, her big sister couldn't really refuse the little sister's request. so big sister cooked little sister dinner; a simple one of course which was a small roast bird with stuffing, roast potatoes, and blanched vegetables. the four of us later had champagne and strawberry fresh cream cake for dessert.

moopig, mei and i had a girly's day out the next day. i finally got the pair of white Birkenstock sandals. a few tops, cosmetics and lingerie were purchased between the three of us as well. i can never leave London without buying things! this is my main reason for refraining myself from going down there often. if i don't, i don't think i will be able to pay my bills.

i'm now back to my slow pace of life in this town. i've only got a week left to spend with my books. the days will pass by very quickly and by the end of next week, i'll have to sit myself down to do some serious thinking and really plan out my near future. to have a faster pace of life in a vibrant city will definately be listed down as one of the things i want in my near future.

To My Mother, with Love

2006-05-14T01:01:00.000Z

'A mother tries to provide her daughter
with insight into the important things in life
in order to make her life as happy and fulfilling as possible

A mother tries to teach her daughter to be good, always helpful to other people
to be fair, always treating others equally
to have a positive attitude at all times
to always make things right when they are wrong
to know herself well
to know what her talents are
to set goals for herself
to not be afraid of working too hard to reach her goals...

A mother tries to teach her daughter
to have many interests to pursue
to laugh and have fun every day
to appreciate the beauty of nature
to enter into friendships with good people
to honor their friendships and always be a true friend
to appreciate the importance of the family
and to particularly respect and love our elders
to use her intelligence at all times
to listen to her emotions
to adhere to her values

A mother tries to teach her daughter
to not be afraid to stick to her beliefs
to not follow the majority when the majority is wrong
to always realize that she is a woman
equal to all men
to carefully plan a life for herself
to vigorously follow her chosen path
to enter into a relationship with someone worthy of herself
to love this person unconditionally with her body and mind
to share all that she has learned in life with this person...

If I have provided you with an insight
into the most of these things
then I have succeeded as a mother
in what I hoped to accomplish in raising you
If some of these things slipped by while we were so busy
I have a feeling that you know them anyway
And I certainly hope that you always continue to know
how much love and admiration I have for you
my beautiful daughter'

thank you mommy, for showing and explaining to me what you consider to be the important things in life.

you're the most patient, nurturing and caring mother a child could ever have
you never gave up on me
you kept believing in me when i stopped believing in myself
you passed down so many of your traits to me,
your courage, your determination, your loving ways,
your beauty and your passion for children
you never fail to lend an ear or to give a piece or two of your wisdom
you sacrifice so much for our family
and i thank God for blessing me with such a wonderful mommy like you

i'm sorry for causing you all the heartaches and disappointments throughout these years

but i hope you are still proud of what i have become,
the young lady you shaped me into..

i love you, mommy..
always and forever

happy mother's day!

Hey you..

2006-05-12T20:15:00.000Z

My yesterdays are all boxed up and neatly put away,
But every now and then you come to mind,
Cause you were always waiting to be picked to play the game,
But when your name was called, you found a place to hide
When you knew that I was always on your side

Well everything was easy then, so sweet and innocent
But your demons and your angels reappeared
Leavin' only traces of the man you thought you'd be,
leaving me with no place else to go from here
leaving me so many questions all these years

Is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear,
Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear,
Or are you left to wander, all alone, eternally
This isn't how it's really meant to be
No it isn't how it's really meant to be

Well they say that love is in the air, but never is it clear,
How to pull it close and make it stay
Butterflies are free to fly, and so they fly away
And I'm left to carry on and wonder why
Even through it all, I'm always on your side

But is there someplace far away, someplace where all is clear
Easy to start over with the ones you hold so dear
Or are you left to wander, all alone, eternally
But is this how it's really meant to be
Oh is it how it's really meant to be

Well if they say that love is in the air, never is it clear
How to pull it close and make it stay
If butterflies are free to fly, why do they fly away
Leavin' me to carry on and wonder why
Was it you that kept me wondering through this life
When you know that I was always on your side

it's kinda awkward searching for the words to type this to you. i don't really know what has driven me here.
i guess all i really want to say is i'm sorry for being foolish, selfish and immature, for walking away and cutting you out.. i'm sorry that i treated you the way i did.
i know it's not the best of time to suddenly throw this at you now with your exam just around the corner.
i just want to put things right. you're the last person i want to hold a grudge against. it's totally understandable if you don't ever wish to hear of me.
i am in no position to force you to forgive me though i'm hoping you would someday. i had been meaning to say this earlier but i didnt have the courage to.
i'm sorry..
and good luck in your exam.

I'll always be on your side, Pigster. Always..

The Gift Of Confidence

2006-05-11T18:03:00.000Z

It's positive living, believing the best,
expecting your plans to work out,
It's trusting you'll find
all the answers you need,
It's patience in moments of doubt.

It's thinking about an "impossible" goal
and telling yourself you can do it,
It's taking the most precious dream
in your heart
and finding a way to pursue it.

It's knowing you have
something special to offer-
your own unique talents to share,
It's taking a bright,
optimistic approach
that can open new doors anywhere.

Monday Blues

2006-05-08T15:07:00.000Z

'you know you want to,' i said.

'you're right. i really want to,' she replied.

why are you torturing her like this?
why won't you let her have the happiness that she deserves?
why did you have to hurt her like this?

i know she has been missing you since the day she left. and even more after you both stopped talking.
i know she hasn't gotten over you until today. i feel so helpless watching her in this state. only i know what is really going on inside her..
she always disguises her true self by portraying the radiant smile and the happy face even when she is not in the state to be in just because she rather not have people know about her sadness or troubles.
she is not coping as well as i thought she would.
i just hope she can pull herself and pass through this.

'i never imagined it would turn out this way.'

'neither did i. it has been a terrible and long nightmare. do you know what?'

'what?'

'i miss him so much. it still hurts.'

'why don't you call him?'

'i don't think he wants to hear from me.'

Last Day Of Class And The Narcissistic Shots

2006-05-05T21:31:00.000Z

it just hit me that it was my last time going to school for class today!
yippieeee!!!

*omg!* that's it! that's it!?!?..
no more lectures, seminars, and lab practicals to go to anymore
still not officially done yet here.
i've still got my final research project to present next week,
and my finals to sit week after that..
good thing i have only 2 papers
i really want to do well it them.
i got to.

i'm so addicted to this picasa program ;)
i love playing with it
especially when i'm bored to bits,
and when i just wanna take a break from my books
you can crop, straighten, tune and add in many effects to your pictures
how cool is that huh?

i distracted myself.. (verybad)
went through some old photos
edited a few so i thought i'd post a few up

i'm just not shy when it comes to being in front of a camera
can't blame me for not being so, can you?

the 'boyish' looking toddler

the black&white shot

the many faces of her

the single coloured shot

i know what you're thinking now..
it's known as the narcissistic personality disorder
and yes,
i'm suffering from it..

Gold Miranda

2006-05-04T10:27:00.000Z

meet my pretty new pair of gold miranda wedges

it was either a gold or a black pair. i choosed the former.

i know..
i am and will always be a sucker for SHOES
i love them shoes too much.

i fall for all of them all the time..
sandals, flip-flops, pumps, wedges, stilettos, peep toes

i can now wear shoes like these as it is spring (although it still rains quite a lot) but summer is fast approaching

am looking forward to having more sunny and warmer days!

The Weight And Food Issue

2006-05-03T18:11:00.000Z

as far as i can remember, i was and had always been a chubby kid. i wasn't the extremely huge or obese kid at school but i did lean to the chubbier and plumper side. i loved and enjoyed my food as a baby and i still do today. i was brought up on potatoes, bread and cheese. not exactly the typical kind of food a chinese baby would be fed on. rice has not been the staple of my diet for the last 7 years. i started off by cutting down my rice intake during meal times. i just stopped taking it all together when i was sent to boarding school and when i left for the UK. one would usually miss the rice back home when he or she is abroad but i do not. i've never cooked rice for myself in the three years living here. okay, i actually tried once and i failed miserably at it.

i noticed my baby fat started disappearing when i entered form 3. it was that year that i noticed the changes and saw the new me. i believe that the braces i wore for a year and a half as well as being on a eat-less-rice-diet helped with my weight lost. i was pretty active with school curricular activities at that time too. i was happy that i was no longer a chubby teenager. i managed to keep my weight at 47kgs for the next 4 years.

i did not have trouble maintaining that weight when i was in boarding school. i was exercising practically everyday. i played tennis twice a week, swam three times a week, attended aerobics class, jogged in the evenings and some mornings, and played badminton at the weekends. it was during the year and a half i was there for my A Levels that i became quite obssessed with my weight. it did not help when you had to live with 80 slim girls. some had the body you wished you could have. i guess everyone in the house was trying to have the slimmest and tiniest figure. i would skip breakfast and lunch and only went to the dining hall for dinner. i snacked on cereal bars and hi-fibre crackers. it was only when i went back home during school breaks that i would eat normally. even at home i would make sure i was doing some exercise. i went swimming and would hit the gym at PSC.

i started out alright but slacked off a bit towards the end of my first year in uni. i was down to 46kgs at the beginning of my second year. a few months later, i started pilling on the pounds until i reached my heaviest, 53kgs.

around february last year, i was battling some demons in me. i was depressed and unhappy. i turned to food for comfort. things made it worse with the wart i had on my foot. it was so painful to even walk downstairs that any form of exercise was just impossible to do. i enjoyed my holidays last summer that i hardly took time to exercise. so it wasn't a surprise that i put on some weight with all the delicious hawker fare and home cooked food that i had consumed.

i don't think i'm as fit as i was 3 years ago. i've not been to the gym in ages. i do get my daily exercise by walking around the city and university campus. it helps a bit as it is very hilly over here but that's really not enough. i try to workout at home that's if i'm not feeling too lazy. the only thing i do now is watch what i eat. i've become quite a health freak since living here on my own. i read the labels of food products, i shop for organic and fat-free products. i stay away from take aways and fast foods.

by disciplining myself with my food intake, i find myself somewhat in full control of my life. at least in this aspect it is my weight. i try to stick to my diet of vegetables, fish and fruits. i do allow myself the carrot cake or chocolate brownie that's if i baked it. my weight has been an issue all this time and will always be. i just wished that there was a better way of controlling it and not let it be like a yo-yo. the last time i weighed myself, i was 48kgs. i should have lost a few pounds since then.

Is There Such A Thing As 'Just Friends'?

2006-05-01T17:45:00.000Z

"can two friends sleep together and still love each other in the morning?"

"can men and women be friends or does sex always have to get in the way?"

these were the taglines from the movie "When Harry Met Sally (1989)". i finally took some time off to watch. i thought it would be similar to the other stories about two people started of as friends, falls in love with each other,and then lives happily ever after. there was slightly different twist in this story. it's an old production starring Billy Crystal and Meg Ryan. the plot is about Harry and Sally. they first met when she gave him a ride to New York. they had both graduated from the University of Chicago and was moving to New York to pursue their dreams. The film jumps through their lives as they both search for love, but fail, bumping into each other time and time again. Finally a close friendship bloomed between them after 12 years from their first meeting, and they both liked having a friend of the opposite sex for company. But then they are confronted with the problem: "Can a man and a woman be friends, without sex getting in the way?"

i had thought about it sometime ago but i brushed it aside as i didn't think it was something to look and think deeper about or was there a need to do so. i didn't think it would affect my life. the question popped back up a year ago and i had to face it this time.

i have always wondered whether two people of the opposite sex can have a platonic relationship? don't get me wrong here. i'm not saying you can't have one. you may already have one but are you able to keep it at a platonic level? is it ever possible to just 'just be friends' with a person of the opposite sex and keep it that way forever?

"Because no man can be friends with a woman that he finds attractive. He always wants to have sex with her.. He would also want to nail the unattractive ones too..
It doesn't matter if she doesn't want to have sex with him because the sex thing is already out there so the friendship is ultimately doomed and that is the end of the story."

.."Yes, that's right, they can't be friends. Unless both of them are involved with other people, then they can... This is an amendment to the earlier rule. If the two people are in relationships, the pressure of possible involvement is lifted... That doesn't work either, because what happens then is, the person you're involved with can't understand why you need to be friends with the person you're just friends with. Like it means something is missing from the relationship and why do you have to go outside to get it? And when you say "No, no, no it's not true, nothing is missing from the relationship," the person you're involved with then accuses you of being secretly attracted to the person you're just friends with, which you probably are. I mean, come on, who the hell are we kidding, let's face it. Which brings us back to the earlier rule before the amendment, which is men and women can't be friends," explains Harry.

i have many male friends. as a matter of fact, i have more male friends than female friends. it's not really a surprise is it? one usually has more friends from the opposite sex. i'm pretty sure you do too. or maybe it only happens to me?! anyway, there is no sex involved with these male friends of mine. to say that you've never thought about this with them would be a lie. i mean certainly at some point you do ask yourself that question, "can you ever see yourself sleeping with this male or female friend?" if you don't and can't see anything happening then you just move on as there's nothing really to think about anymore. but if you do see it then what do you do about it? are you willing to risk everything that you already have with this male friend? or would you just shrug the idea aside and hope it will never surface again. is it wrong to be attracted to your male or female friends? what if your male friend has thoughts about on this subject? what would you do if you felt something for this male friend? or if you don't feel the same as he does, what will you do? can you be certain that your male friend will never be attracted to you in that kind of way?

so you see, it all does go back to what Harry was explaining to Sally.

what makes you want to know someone better with someone you don't know and hope to be friends? would you not say that it was his or her personality and character that attracted you to want to know more about the person? how do you choose someone to be your friend? would you not say it was how he or she looked? people and i mean people of both genders make friends with the people they find attractive. it's always about the first impression you give to a person. it's superficial i know but that's how things work. of course you might not straight away think of having sex with someone you've just met. and surely you don't think of having sex with a not-so-attractive person the first time you meet do you? but you see, sex will always be in the way of two people of the opposite sex. sex will not disappear just because both of you are 'just friends'. many 'just friends' have slept together. it either ruins the friendship or it brings the friendship to the next level. and many 'just friends' who hasn't slept together later on realise that they actually have developed a feeling that is something more towards the friend. sex will eventually come in the way again when both parties decide that they are ready and want to commit themselves to each other.

they met at work and became friends. they soon became quite close; sharing and talking about their thoughts, problems and life. they also did many things together like what you would see other couples do. yet they always used the phrase 'just friends'. they eventually did sleep together and their friendship was put to the test. she thought that they both wanted the same things together. she thought he felt the same way for her as she did for him. she didn't want to use the term 'just friends' with him. she wanted and expected more from the friend she loved and trusted. little did she expect that there was a new term for them. the term 'friends with benefits'.

could they now both continue to love each other as friends like before or did the few nights of passion ruined the friendship that had blossomed over time?

was there ever a friendship between them to begin with?

Leaving This Town Alive

2006-04-30T21:23:00.000Z

i'm feeling restless
restless in the sense that i can't wait to leave this town
i don't want to stay here any longer
i want to leave this town
it's been a good three years living here
and it's about time i leave and seek pastures new elsewhere

but i can't leave here right now as much as i would love to
but trust me
i will once i've completed everything here
i need a change of surroundings
i need a change in my life
i need to take my life to the next level

it sounds so very exciting and scary at the same time
ending one chapter of my life
to embark on a new one that i vaguely know what i'm putting myself into
if only we didn't have to grow up
if only i could remain as the cute and innocent 6-year-old child
or the girl who just turned sweet 16

i'm counting my days
26 days till my last paper,
40 days till term ends,
46 days till mommy arrives,
77 days till daddy arrives,
84 days till i fly back home

ohhh i can't wait now..
i just can't wait to leave here for good
i can't wait to leave this town alive

Lies And Deceit

2006-04-30T18:54:00.000Z

everybody lies.
parents, lovers, best friends, neighbours;
children, and of course there is you yourself. there is a difference between who told the lie and what kind of lie the person told, isn't there? but then if you think of it again, a lie is a lie. it should not matter who told the lie, or what type of lie was told, be it a small harmless lie or a big fat unforgivable lie. we all know that telling lies is a bad thing. yet, we all still keep at this practice.

why do people tell lies? should we have excuses for telling lies? why can't we just tell the truth?

"why do the bad boys lie to get into your bed, and the good boys lie to get into your heart?
and i'm the idiot who falls for it everytime."

he turns and looks at her, and then replies, "you're no idiot, Brooke. and you're not even close to one. you know who you are; most people don't. so that's why they lie. they are afraid people might figure out who they really are before they can figure out themselves."

it's not a surprise to me. the bad boy certainly lies to you and plays with your feelings. you think what he says to you is all true, and that he means every single word. what you don't know lies awaiting for you. his beautiful lies. he will tell you that you are the girl meant for him. he will tell you that he loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you. he lies so that you will fall for his sweet mouth even when you know of his bad ways. and the good boy? he surely lies too. he makes you believe that he is harmless and sincere. but in fact he has a motive as well. a good boy will tell you he wants to be friends with you. he tells you that he doesn't see you in that special different kind of way. he lies to you about his feelings for you. he does nice things and helps you all the time. he lies to you so that he can be near you. he lies to win your heart. by doing that, you will always believe that he is a good boy no matter how bad he screws things up. you may forgive a good boy for lying but you may never forgive a bad boy. why? did they both not take advantage by lying to you?

i have told my fair share of lies over the years. i still do tell the small white lie now and then. i'm no angel. i just pray hard and hope that the person would never learn about it. it'll be so shitty if he or she finds out. your perception of the person who has lied to you changes almost immediately you find out what he or she has done.

we all give excuses for lying. when i was young, i lied to my teachers for not completing my homework. when i was a teenager, i lied to my parents so i could be with my boyfriend. i've lied to my close friends, telling them how happy and well things are going on when they are not actually. i could lie to everyone except to my other half. i've never been able to lie to him. i'm not sure why. i just feel it's wrong to lie to someone you really care about. you're supposed to be honest with each other and let everything out in the open. what is it that you can't tell the truth? it's different if you want to keep something like a secret from your other half. although you're not encouraged to do so. i mean you're supposed to be able to trust and share everthing with each other aren't you? then why the lies to each other?

i started seeing another guy, TF when SP went away to Cebu for a business assignment. i felt neglected as he was always busy with work. SP promised he would only be away for a month but he didn't return until after three months later. i was not getting the attention a girl wants from her guy. then TF came along. he gave me the attention that i wanted. he gave me the company that i was longing to have; the loneliness soon disappeared. i know those were just excuses for my cheating on SP. the guilt of cheating on them both soon caught up with me so i ended things with TF after a month. SP soon came home and everything went back to what it was like before he left. one night, TF's name was mentioned and SP questioned me about him. he suspected something happened between us while he was away. i had the option of lying to him or coming out clean to him. i choosed the latter.

we all end up hurt from lies whether we are the ones who tell them or we are the ones being lied at. but why do we do it in the first place if we know that we are goin to hurt the person? not unless you can be very certain that the party that you have told the lie to would never know it was a lie and he or she would never be able to find out about the truth, then maybe it was safe to tell the lie. but doesn't the truth always catches up with you in the end?

we get so angry when we find out that we've been lied at. we are even more angrier at the person who told the lie. lies, deceit, dishonesty, all of these things take away the trust you have for a person. you wonder whether if he or she has ever been honest with you or has everything that has been said to you been a pack of lies? you wonder if this is a one-off thing; will he or she lie to you again next time? you wonder if you'll be able to forgive and forget? you wonder if you'll be able to trust the same person again after what he or she did to you?

if we hate someone for lying at us and we get so angry and we make a big fuss out of it, why do we lie ourselves? what makes it alright for you to lie to someone and makes it wrong for the other person to lie to you? are you not hurting the person who you've lied at? doesn't he or she have feelings like you do?

i like to think that if i hate liars then i should not be one myself. i try to avoid telling lies especially to my loved ones. it's not because i am afraid of getting caught from telling the lie. it's the look on their faces when they find out about the truth that breaks my heart. because i know exactly how it feels to be deceived by a loved one, someone you believe and trust completely. and because we always tend to regret after lying, wishing we hadn't done it in the first place.

A Note To You From Me

2006-04-26T12:44:00.000Z

dearest you,

i've been all over the place the last couple of days and i still am actually. i've been trying to write but it's just not flowing out at the moment.
i can't seem to put it down into words. i don't even know where or how to begin.
it feels all so messy.
i want to get it out and lift the burden of carrying it on my shoulders,
but until i can find the strength to get in touch with myself, i won't be able to write.

i don't know how long i'll be gone for. hopefully not for long. but i do know i will be back.

till then, i shall leave you with a little something of me for now..

love, me

Weekend's Here And So Is My Date Line

2006-04-21T15:55:00.001Z

boy, the three weeks really flew by
this is my last weekend to my easter break
and i don't want it to end just yet

i need to be punished
i should be punished

the date line is middle next week and..
i am so not anywhere near to completing it!

shite! shite! shiteSss!!

it seems to be like a never-gonna-end-piece of work

i know i know..
i shouldn't have left things to the very last minute
.. but then i always end up doing this to myself,
to my studies and assignments

i never seem to learn my lesson!!

either i enjoy working under all this avoidable stress or
i am one helluva procrastinator-cum-big-lazybum
i think i'm definately the latter

arghhhh!!!!

too late to say 'i told you so' now..

it's all gonna be work work work this weekend =(

Gonna Consider It Again This Time

2006-04-19T22:03:00.000Z

it's been on my mind all day after i watched last night's tv programme

had thought about it before but for some reason which i can't remember now,
i left it alone
now that it's back on my mind
i'm seriously considering about it

i wonder how my family, friends and other people would react if they found out..

what will they think?!?

what will they say?!? hmmm...

whatever it is, i promise i will think about it very carefully
don't wanna jump into anything
that will leave me with a tonne full of regrets

Im Gonna Leave It For Now

2006-04-18T14:19:00.000Z

SP: ok babe
SP: i get what you're swaying. like i said we're gonna come to a compromise on what we want from the two of being us together

SP: why don't we accertain what we want when we are sure? let me know when you are sure. and we will have a discussion ok babe?

SP: babe listen
SP: i really want things to work out.
SP: i hope this time they stay working. you know what i'm saying.
SP: don't jump to the why who when and all that now ok. we will see when the time comes.

that was an excerpt of my conversation with my-ex, SP the other day.

i can't decide what i want right now from us as our future together is so uncertain. maybe it's all because i can't decide whether i want to go back to him or not. maybe it's also got to do with me not being able to tell him exactly where or what i'll be or do after i graduate. i'm still in the midst of trying to plan my future for the next five years. i want to avoid getting involved in another long distance relationship. i have doubts working on one again after what i've been through. more so it was with him. unless he can tell me what his plans are for the next five years are then maybe we can plan something together that's if if i am heading more or less in the same direction as him. yet i wonder if that will really make a difference for me in deciding?

i'm gonna leave it for now and when the time comes, we will sort it out.

we never know what the Lord has in store for us..

The Abstinence Ends On Easter Sunday

2006-04-16T22:35:00.000Z

mmmmm.. cocoa beans and cocoa butter never smelt so good.. they tasted heavenly too!

last night marked the end of my abstinence from chocolatey foods. yes, i made it through! it was mentally challenging to stay away from all the chocolate foods especially with the sweet tooth i have! i was really craving for chocolate in the first two weeks! walking down the confectionery aisle in M&S was a real torture. imagine yourself not touching the slice of chocolate cake or the piece of chocolate or the chocolate chip cookie for seven weeks.. i satisfied myself by looking at the yummy selection of desserts.

by the end of the second week, the cravings started to wear off. i didn't think chocolate on my mind like i had during the first week. i was able to shop in M&S without having to stop and look at the chocolate section. at one point i lost interest in it even though chocolate easter eggs of all sizes were on sale everywhere. only towards the final week of Lent did i feel the excitement in me. i gave up something i loved and enjoyed and i was finally able to have it back.

i love the taste of success. i took it as a challenge to disipline myself and i am very pleased with myself for going through with it. and with that i rewarded myself with the mini eggs i bought today!

May you have a Blessed and Happy Easter!

Beyond The Meanings Of Desires And Tragedies

2006-04-16T11:39:00.000Z

Bernard Shaw once said, "There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desires, and the other is to gain it." what is the meaning of the quote to you?

yes. losing your heart's desire is tragic. everyone should agree on that. but gaining your heart's desire, why is that a tragic thing as well? i would have thought that it means you getting what you wish for. isn't that a good thing? would you not be happy if you got the thing you desired so badly? if that is the case then why did Shaw say that gaining it is a tragedy..? what did he mean by that?

i guess we strain to grasp the things that we desire, the things we think that would make our lives better: money, popularity, fame; we ignore what truly matters to us. the simple things like friendship, family, love, health. the things we probably already have.

we will always desire for the things we don't have or can't have, and even if we do get it, i do not think we will just stop there. we will continue to desire for other things. can we ever be satisfied with the things we already have? i do not think so as we always want more. we think that the things we don't have out there are much better. but when we eventually have them in our lives, do we appreciate them? maybe only for a little while before we start to seek and desire for something else. gaining your heart's desire once would give you hope to desire for a second time. it then becomes a cycle where all you can do is hope for this and that. if desires, wishes and hopes are of the same kind, would you now say they all lead to tragedies?

*******************************

i once set the 'rainbow prelude' as his contact ringtone id. it accidentally got played last night when i was going through the list of ringtones. i wanted to pick one for my alarm. little did i know it was the final straw to trigger it all off. tears started to roll down my cheeks as i lay in bed. they were just small ones at first. i tried to hold them back but i couldn't. they just streamed out.

it has been exactly a month since i last cried this much. hearing it again after many months of silence brought back all the memories. it reminded me of how close we had been. i remember to hearing it in the mornings, during the day, late at nights, when he was just outside my house, and at those times when i could not see him. i remember the eagerness inside me waiting for his calls. i felt happy whenever i heard that particular ringtone cause i knew it was him calling.

i now understand what you meant. you tell yourself you have to move on and that you are ready to do so. so you start to put the past behind you. but somehow everytime you proceed to do it you just find yourself stuck. you can't bring yourself to move on no matter how hard you push yourself. and you just end up being back at square one. why does that happen?!

am i not pushing myself hard enough? am i just making excuses to not move on? am i so weak that i am unable to get over you? why is it so hard to pick myself up again? i want to be the happy girl but can i ever go back to being that girl i was before??

when will the sadness and emptiness go away? when will the day come when i will no longer start and end my day thinking of you? when will the day come when i can talk to you without feeling anything more about you?

*******************************

i wished for love last summer. a wish to immerse myself in someone else and wake a heart that's ready and longing to feel. someone who i can share everything with; someone i could be around with and not feel afraid to be myself. my wish was granted. i felt loved and was in love. if having that was tragic; then give me tragedies cause i wouldn't give it back for the world.

yet, how many tragedies can your heart take? some people are not afraid to go through the pain but i am. it is the fear of feeling the pain of getting hurt, of allowing my heart get broken again. i believe tragedies makes you a stronger person. you need your inner strength to get through the pain. in a way it also prepares you for the next one. tragedies will always happen. most of them are unpredictable and unavoidable. i guess that is what life is all about. still, can't you wish or hope to not have to go through the pain of another tragedy?

All I Want..

2006-04-15T00:04:00.000Z

by Susie Suh

Too many times, I have wondered
What all trying is for
You come around, I feel so down, I'm gonna drown
Because I know that you've fallen short

But do you know, It doesn't change
The way I feel about you at the end of the day
Because I know
That all I want is what you got
All I want is what you got

And too many times, I have wanted
To turn around and walk away
Knowing deep inside
You can't provide what I need from you anyway

But do you know, It doesn't change
The way I feel about you at the end of the day
Because I know
That all I want is what you got
All I want is what you got

I tell you that I wanna go, but I wanna stay
I tell you that I wanna go, but I wanna stay
I tell you that I wanna go, but I wanna stay
I wanna stay, I wanna stay, I wanna stay
But I know I'm gonna lose myself this way
I wanna stay, I wanna stay, I wanna stay
But I know I'm gonna lose myself this way

But do you know, It doesn't change
The way I feel about you at the end of the day
'Cause I know
That all I want is what you got
All I want is what you got
But this moment is all I've got
It's all I've got

One Of The Things That Makes Me Happy

2006-04-14T00:42:00.000Z

what do you do when you feel kinda low and bored? do you have a 'pick-me-up-thing' to do to make yourself feel slightly better? well, i do. i have a list of 'happy thoughts' that i know that can definately cheer me up. one of thsse thoughts is baking & cooking! sounds a bit crazy but it is a nice way of making myself forget about the lows and blues even if it means only getting it off my mind for a short while.

i get the calm relaxing feeling when i am in the kitchen. and so happens baking and cooking is a favourite past time of mine. i love baking cakes, cookies, brownies and making any kind of desserts. i collect recipes from grandma, mommy, meimei, moopig, from cookbooks and from the internet. i like to try out new recipes and see how they turn out.

i made my all time favourite cake the other day. it was my first time following this recipe which i found on the bbcfood website. it was by James Martin. i must say that it came out rather well. the texture was nicer and lighter than one i made the last time using someone else's recipe. it wasn't heavy either. i simply loved it!

Carrot Cake with Vanilla Custard (serves 1-2)

for cake:
85g/3oz flour
85g/30z butter
85g/30z sugar
1 egg
pinch of baking soda
seeds from 1 vanilla pod
2 carrots, peeled, finely grated

for custard:
200ml/7fl oz cream
100ml/3½fl oz milk
3 cardamom pods, crushed
seeds from 1 vanilla pod
3 egg yolks
4tbsp sugar

1. Preheat oven to 180°C. Butter small cake pan.
2. Place flour, butter, sugar, egg and baking powder into food processor. Blend for a few seconds until combined.
3. Fold in grated carrots and pour batter into pan.
4. Bake for 15-18minutes until cake is cooked.
5. Scald the cream, milk, cardamom and vanilla in a saucepan.
6. Whisk the egg yolks and sugar in a large mixing bowl.
7. Pour in the milk and cream,stirring continuously to prevent eggs from scrambling.
8. Pour mixture through a sieve. Gently stir mixture over medium heat until thickens.
9. Pour custard over the cake when ready to serve.

Observing Holy Week

2006-04-13T23:11:00.000Z

In most Christian churches, this week is an improtant week to observe. this is because it is Holy Week. it is the last week of Lent that immediately precedes Easter Sunday. it is a time to commenmorate and enact the suffering (Passion) and death of Jesus Christ. you can read more about it over here as they did a good job at explaining everything about Holy Week. here are a few simple illustrations showing the events that we believed took place during Holy Week.

Holy Week is the time where we observe Christ's suffering, humiliation and death. we believe that He died for us on the cross to take away our sins. it is important to place the hope of the Resurrection, the promise of newness and life, against the background of death and endings. it is only through walking in the shadow and darkness of Holy Week do we realise the magnitude of sin and consequences we incarnated in the dying Jesus. In observing this truth, we are able to see new beginnings come from endings, and this is why we can truly understand the light and hope of Sunday morning when Christ resurrected from the dead!

Fear Of The Uncertain, Decisions-Plans Making And Risks Taking

2006-04-13T20:49:00.000Z

i would say my greatest fear would be uncertainty. i hate the feeling of not knowing. i hate it when i am unable or something is in my way of planning ahead be it for my education or my career or for daily activities or for personal issues. i always plan and organize myself all the time for the things i am supposed to do to the things i would like to do. but it's not good enough because i want to be certain this time that this is what i am going to do or this is where i will be heading to after i finish here. it bugs me so much not to be able to forsee what is down that road for me. i don't have that feeling of 'i-know-i-will-be-doing-this-thing-next' cause i don't have a 'next-thing-to-do' on my list yet. i do not want possibilities. i do not like to 'maybe i shall do this' or 'maybe i shall do that'. i want to be certain. i want to be sure. i feel so insecure now as i do not know where am i heading to after this. what do i want to do? which road do i want to take? which one should i take? i know i have to make not one but many big decisions in my life. and this is only the beginning of it. as much as i wished i could shut an eye or just shrug it away or leaving it for mommy and daddy to decide for me, i know i cannot do that. i have to face it, decide what i want and make my own plans. and then carry them out as planned.

BAH!! becoming officially an adult comes with a hefty price! it means you are to take charge of your own life as you are now old enough to decide between good and bad to what you want in have and achieve in your life. you have to do this on your own even though i know i can always go to my parents to seek for advice. when you were a child, your parents made all the decisions for you. that was because you were too young and immatured then to make rational decisions for yourself. but now that you are old enough and have matured, it is no longer your parents' responsibility to do them. it is yours!

sometimes having too many options in front of you could make things worse. okay, maybe it is good to have an option. something which you can choose from if the other fails. something which you can fall back onto. but having a few options will just make you think even more and the more you think about trying to make the right choice, you unconsciously start asking yourself if it will ever be the best choice? you might start asking yourself 'what if...'. you start to get confused and become all undecided. is risk a factor to consider when making decisions? does this mean you are afraid of taking risks?

i don't think i am afraid of taking risks. or am i? i do like having some changes at certain phases in my life. i take them as a challenge. of course i feel scared. who wouldn't? i am afterall being thrown out from my confort zone. it is like i have to start all over again and settle down with all the new changes. adapt myself to the new surroundings, meet new people, start new friendships, start a new routine, learn new things, lead a new life, start a new chapter of my life.. i remember talking to the ex-bf about this three years ago. i was scared to leave everything back at home to come to this new place. i was excited to be given the chance to further my studies abroad but to leave home and experience living in another culture scared me a bit. the ex-bf told me that it is alright to be scared but only for awhile. he told me to go out and make friends and enjoy myself. i took his advice. it was a new chapter of my life and sadly it is now coming to an end. i will soon have to start a new chapter again. exciting as it may sound, there will always be the fear of uncertainty, the fear of starting all over again, the fear of taking a risk.. i want a secure plan that will work out. i am scared to live in the world of being uncertain. i am afraid that what i plan don't turn out as i planned and it does not meet my expectations then it meant i was uncertain about the plan i made for myself right from the beginning.

if someone were to ask you what is your greatest fear in life, what will your answer be? i guess everyone is afraid of something at some point of his or her life. does being afraid or having a fear for something makes you a coward person?

A Birthday Message For Mr. Polo And A WakeUp Message To Myself

2006-04-12T23:00:00.000Z

here's me wishing Hippie 20th Birdie to Chocolopolo!!

hope you had a good celebration and a wonderful time at Nobu tonight
may you have a great and successful year ahead of you and may all your wishes and dreams come true! ( this includes winning the jackpot; when you finally do, make sure you don't forget to include me to some of your winnings) hehe..

once again Happy Birthday!

xoxoxo

*****************************************************************************

i so wanna kick/shoot/slap/punch/whack myself! or could someone please do it to me?! i promise i won't give you one back. neither will i send you my lawyer's letter.

i'm utterly appalled at how lazy and unmotivated i have been for the last couple of days! what has happened to you?!

Wake up woman!! move your ass and finish up your work! you gotta stop procrasnicating! yes, you heard me right. Stop putting it on hold! get it done and you won't have to worry about it anymore. you will be free from it in two weeks time.

let's get to it now shall we??

What Hurts The Most

2006-04-10T23:45:00.000Z

by rascal flatts

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let 'em out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

MeiMei And MooPig's Visit

2006-04-10T21:35:00.000Z

this time last week, i had the company of my dearest meimei and my favourite girlfriend, eileen aka moopig. they were here for three days. the last time i saw them was when i was in london for chinese new year. that was two months ago! they were initially going to surprise me with their visit but meimei spilled the beans when she heard about the news. she wanted to come and check on me the same day but i told her i would be fine. i wanted to be on my own. futhermore it was only two weekends away.

moopig had made some plans to visit her old friends so meimei and i did what we sisters always do best together. we hit the high street and shopped till the shops closed. we went grocery shopping and spent hours walking down each aisle looking at the mouth watering food while deciding what to throw in into our shopping basket. i took her for a long walk and brought her to see my school. moopig joined us later in the evening where the three of us played in the kitchen. we actually cooked a feast for ourselves! we made quiche lorraine, two batches of profiteroles, 'pei tan chuk' and fresh salmon steaks with herbs. it was a see-food-eat-diet for the two full days that they were here. we also munched on honeyroasted nuts, strawberries and cream, cheese and crackers and potato crisps. holy cow! we were really stuffing our face! i knew i was! i didn't feel that guilty indulging in all of that yummy food because i was on a salad diet two weeks prior to their visit. i told myself that i will get to eat anything if i have been good. i also promised myself that i will go back to my salad diet after they leave.

their stay was really a short one. it came to an end so quickly and i had to say goodbye. it will be another eight weeks till i get to see them again. and this time around it will be my turn to make my long awaited trip to london. we're gonna go shopping and go out to eat when i come down okay mei and moopig?! i can't wait to have another round of our girly outings! i missss youuuu..

Unstable Connection Again?

2006-04-09T22:45:00.000Z

my internet service provider has been a pain in the butt towards me the whole day! okay.. i'm relieved and very grateful that it is working now. hence i am writing this. =) thank you engineers for tending to the problem and getting it fixed by tonight. i won't be waking up like a cranky woman tomorrow morning. *grin* i am easily contented to stay at home just as long as i have a good and stable broadband connection. you better be working properly when i wake up in the morning. orelse i will be in a bad mood and i will be cursing you.

And April Marks A Year

2006-04-08T20:48:00.000Z

it's been a year now. it was something i had to do and i'm glad that i did it. it took me a great deal of courage to carry it out. you gave me no choice but to leave you.

you promised me many things before i left the country. we both agreed on that as we both wanted it. the first few months was smooth. a few months later i find out about you cheating on me. only then did things began to get rough. i thought it was my fault as i couldn't be physically near you or that i wasn't paying enough attention to you. i tried my best to please you in every way. i was blinded by your sweet talks and i believed everything you told me. i forgave you for lying to me and for causing me so much grief. but i just could not forget what you did. you disappointed me not once but many times. i knew that it wasn't going to be an easy journey. i knew it was going to take a lot of effort and trust to make our relationship work. i thought i had what it took and i thought you were serious about wanting it as much as i did. looking back at it now, i was silly and foolishly in love with you. at least i believed i was in love you at that time. that was why i stayed with you for so long. i couldn't bear the thought of losing you then.

i felt trapped. i felt i was the one giving and were taking all the time. it was an unhealthy one-sided relationship. we were always arguing. i was constantly finding fault at you as i wanted you to pay attention at me because you were not giving me any. you gave me excuses of being so busy entertaining your clients and trying to secure big contracts with them. i was weary about trusting you fully again after the cheating incident. things were getting really rocky between us early last year. it was cracking up so much so i started to move away from you. it was tough not having you to fall back on. i had to learn to stand on my own and not have a guy to rely on. i had to free myself from you. i hve been unhappy for so long and if it meant leaving you could bring back the happy girl i was once before, i was willing to go for it. i wanted to believe that you would make me happy again but i couldn't do so because you have let me down over and over again. i had to accept the fact that maybe you can never change. all i wanted was for you to love me and to show me that you were serious and wanted us to be together. but you just couldn't give me what i wanted.

i told you that i have moved on. did you think i wouldn't? i wasn't going to sit here and wait for you to realise your mistake. of course i silently wished that you would one day wake up and come to realise what an asshole you were to me and that you regret losing me. and i would tell you that it is too late for us to get back together. i wanted to hurt you back just like you hurt me. funnily, what i wished for has come true now. after months of silence, i suddenly heard from you on my birthday. then two months ago, you said everything that i could ever dream of you saying to me. you asked me for another another chance to be with me. you said you wanted to make us work this time around. can this be true? i have been waiting for this moment to come. i want to believe that you are really serious this time.

i know i will always have a soft spot for you. i also know that i no longer have the feelings for you like i used to. i have fallen for someone else over last summer. i still think of him so much although we are no longer on talking terms now. i thought i could never fall in love again but i did. i think people fall in love when they least expect to. can i bring myself to be with someone i am not in love with? can i be with someone and at the same time my heart is with someone else? it has been a long time since i felt wanted. should i be with the man who says he loves me and wants me or should i stick around for the man who i love but doesn't want me? can i also mention that these two men that i fell for share the same name?

Wishing To Disappear Forever

2006-04-08T16:16:00.000Z

she is living in a delusion.
she believes that she can fix it so that everything can return to what it was like before.
she dons a fake smile and laughter.
she desperately wants to feel happy again.
she wants to pick up the phone and dial his number.
yet she refrains herself from doing so.
she so badly wants to talk to him.
yet she keeps her distance from him.
she misses and still thinks of him fondly.
she tells herself to be strong but for how long more can she hold herself up?
she tells herself to move on and to put him behind her but she finds it so hard to do.
she does not know what to do...
she does not know how to save herself.

Connected And Happy

2006-04-08T11:42:00.000Z

i gave up trying to fix my broadband connection after fiddling around with the router and switching my laptop on and off for an hour plus last night. it was actually working perfectly fine during the day. i was getting worked up and i could only pray that nothing major was wrong with my broadband. i've never encountered any problem with it. i pay my bills on time so the only thing i could think of was maybe my service provider was down. arrgghhh! i hate it when i can't get connected onto the net.

i've come to rely on the internet a lot since i came here. it's my means of being connected to the outside world. i use it to keep in touch with family and friends. i use it to get information for my work projects or just to gain some knowledge of a certain topic, to do online purchasing, and to pay the bills. i surf the net as a way of winding down or taking a break from studying. it can be very distracting at times mind you! you can practically find and get everything under the sun on the net these days. it's really amazing. i don't think i can ever live without the internet. thank goodness my broadband connection is working again this morning!

Almost Forgotten

2006-04-07T00:14:00.000Z

i was going through my pile of notes when i came across something that i wrote down sometime ago. i can't remember where i got this from though. i must have read it somewhere and liked what he said; that's why i took it down.

Joe Black said, and I quote,

"Love is a passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone who you will love like crazy and will love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. Run the risk. If you get hurt, you'll come back. Because the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make a jorney and not fall deeply in love- well. you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived"

April Is Here Already?

2006-04-02T20:51:00.000Z

you wake up greeting a monday morning and before you know it, the weekend is here and soon sunday arrives to mark the end of the week. days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months.. time passes by so quickly especially when one is having a lot of fun enjoying him or herself or when one is too wrapped up in his or her own busy life schedules.

a quater of the year has gone.. there will be many things to lookout for in this month.

spring is finally here and i have an excuse to own a new wardrobe. i can put away the wolly clothes and thick coats and take out the cotton blouses and pants. the days are much longer now. the temperature is still low but hopefully it will start to rise soon. the flowers are starting to bloom. the lambs will be skipping and playing on the farms. my easter holidays has just started. easter sunday is in two weeks' time. i will be able to have chocolate after i finish my six weeks of abstinence. mei and eileen are coming up tomorrow to spend a few days here. my dissertation is due after the holidays. i would have gone through half of the hurdle by the end of this month.

i foresee some changes happening to me in this month.. let's hope they will be good changes.

What Will You Change About Your Sexual Past?

2006-03-30T22:11:00.000Z

the bedford diaries premiered last night. i caught the pilot episode and i thought it was pretty watchable. i think i'll have to watch a few more episode before i can comment on it further.

the bedford diaries is a drama set at a new york city college. it is about six students with different backgrounds, experiences and ages who are brought together by their human behaviour and sexuality class. the class is taught by a controversial professor who challenges his students' sexual mores which they have to tell through a video diary that each of them have to make in order to fulfill their weekly assignments.

in the pilot episode, they were given their first assignment and it was to be on what they would want to change about their sexual past and what they felt about it. one of the characters said something in her video diary entry that caught my attention. somehow i felt myself relating to it and it made a lot of sense. at one point, i felt as though she was playing a part of me in that episode.

i believe that one has to have a certain amount of feelings for the other person in order to reach to such an intimate level. to say that having sex with him meant nothing to me would be a lie. how could one truly say and mean it? can you honestly say that sex means nothing to you at all? and that it will not affect or get in between the involvement of two people? can it really not matter at all? can you shrug it aside and say that you didn't feel anything while you were at it? i really don't believe you could. we are humans. we have emotions. we can feel emotions. therefore we must be able to feel the feelings and have these feelings inside us. at least i believe so.

this was what she said in the video:

"i'd change my own head. i admit that i'm angry and that my heart was wounded and broken. we're so busy hooking up, sexually networking, making connections.. but does sex mean anything anymore? i guess i thought if i didn't take sex seriously then i'll somehow avoid being affected by it. if sex doesn't have anything to do with intimacy, and i don't feel anything.. somehow i'll be stronger. but that's not true. opening yourself up even if it means getting your heart and soul crushed, that's what makes you stronger. that's what gives you the power to move on and to put the past behind you. to get out there and get your heart stomped all over again."

i'm still hurt
and angry
when can i get over the bitterness i have for you?

"I'd rather dance with you..."

2006-03-26T22:32:00.000Z

this song has such a catchy tune.
i've been playing it on my laptop for the last two days and all day today.
i'm feeling light headed and in a chirpy mood.
maybe it's because i spoke to mommy on skype today =)
i just can't wait for june to come now.
cause then i'll be able to do so many things without having to worry about uni anymore.
i'll be done for good then!

"I'd rather dance with you than talk with you
So why don't we just move into the other room
There's space for us to shake, and hey, I like this tune

Even if I could hear what you said
I doubt my reply would be interesting for you to hear
Because I haven't read a single book all year
And the only film I saw, I didn't like it at all..

I'd rather dance, I'd rather dance than talk with you
I'd rather dance, I'd rather dance than talk with you
I'd rather dance, I'd rather dance than talk with you

lalalalalalaalaalalala..
lalalalalaalalalalalala..

What An Unproductive Week!

2006-03-24T21:24:00.000Z

i am not happy at all with myself; i am in fact disappointed at myself for not doing anything productive for this past whole week. i skipped a class at the start of the week and i barely touched my books. i've been bumming around in the house instead. i've been distracting myself and avoiding to study. this is really not good. i feel so unsettled, so disturbed, so empty, so unmotivated. i feel as though i am floating on a cloud. why does everything around me seem so surreal?

at the end of last week, i had a sudden unexpected announcement dropped onto me. all i wanted to do after i heard it was to disappear from the face of the earth. dramatic as it may sound, but yes, i wished that i needn't have to wake up the next morning when i went to bed that night. as much as i would like to run away and hide from this, i knew i couldn't. i had to come to terms and face it.

so i made a call and told myself that i had to break away from a routine that i've been having for the last six months. a routine where by i would hear from him everyday; a routine where i would see him and chat with him online everyday. a routine where i would go to him whenever i felt happy or sad; a routine where i would go to him whenever i needed to rant or needed a shoulder to cry on. i knew that he would be there should i ever need him. but things have now changed so much so i have to adapt myself to the new changes.

i am starting to pick myself up and move on. i am hanging on, trying hard to keep myself grounded and focussed. somehow daddy and mummy found out what happened although i did not mention anything to them. i guess they suspected something was not right with their daughter when they have not heard from her nor seen her on line throughout this week. so daddy emailed his little girl. out of nowhere, tears started to roll down my cheeks just as i read his first sentence. this was the ending part of daddy's email to me:

'this is just to let you know that i share in some of your feelings, but i cannot be you. take your time to get over this life's experience. pray for guidance to make the correct choice. as long as no harm has been committed we try to accept the good things and those that are less good. do not give up. keep that great smile and hold your head up.'

i do not know how to tell them. how am i to explain to them for feeling so sad and unhappy? did i not bring this all onto myself? i was the one who had all these not-supposed-to-have-feelings for him. i was the one who was so dumb to walk into it blindly. how do you tell your parents that you feel crushed and rejected because the guy you really like doesn't like you anymore when you knew he did before? or was i wrong about it right from the start?

on a different note,
my long awaited parcel arrived yesterday morning =)
they are so pretty and gorgeous!
i can't wait to wear them
i love its lace and sheer fabric and the pastel colours.
so glad i purchased them as i certainly need a boost in my spirit right now!

I Turn To Him..

2006-03-22T13:58:00.000Z

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And he shall direct your paths.

Proverbs 3:5-6

Dear Lord,
You know me better than I know myself,
and you know how disappointed and sad I am at this time.
The things that i set my heart on were not for me.
Help me, O Lord,
Give me the strength and courage to forget the things that are behind and ever to press forward to the things which are ahead;
Give me self-control so I can have my impulses, passions and emotions under perfect control.
In times like this, I need and ask for your guidance.
This I ask for your love's sake. Amen.

Love Quotes

2006-03-21T22:59:00.000Z

'love is strong yet delicate.
it can be broken.
to truly love is to understand this.
to be in love is to respect this.'
-stephen packer-

'there is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.'
-george sand-

'if you love someone, let them go. if they return to you,
it was meant to be. if they don't, their love was never yours to begin with...'
-unknown-

'some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.'
-herman hesse-

'when you love someone, you'll do crazy things you can't explain, you'll deny the truth
and believe in lies. when you love someone, you sacrifice, give everything you've got
and don't think twice. you risk it all no matter what.'

I Need Therapy

2006-03-20T19:28:00.000Z

last night seemed to be the longest night ever; it seemed as though i had slept for hours but in actual fact i only had been sleeping for about an hour. it took me an hour plus to be able to finally drift off. my mind kept on wondering. i fought hard to keep the tears in. i didn't want to wake up with puffy eyes in the morning. i tried not to think about him. i tried to think about other things but then the other things that i was thinking about somehow seemed to be connected to him in one way or another.

i skipped class today as i knew that i wasn't going to be able to pay any attention to the lecture. instead i would be sitting there drifting away into my own little world and i'll soon have him on my mind again. the last thing i want is to open myself to the slightest opportunity to think of him. i got out of the house and went into town. if i stayed in, the thoughts of him would just flood my head. i needed something to distract me and to take my mind off from this. i needed some retail therapy. it's not the best therapy to recommend someone feeling down to do but at least most of the time this therapy helps me get my mind off and away from whatever that is making me feel sad. it only works for awhile though; but it's still better than nothing since i do not know who to go to to talk. i guess all i want to do right now is hide and run away from facing this. i do not want to open the subject about him to anyone. but i shall do the talking in here as this is my place to let things out.

thanks to LA Senza's midseason sale that started today, i got to purchase a few items online for a good bargain. i love shopping for lingerie. it is one of my weaknesses. i also go weak at the knees for shoes and handbags. but today wasn't the day to feel guitly about spending on unnecessary underwear. i bought myself a chemise set, a babydoll set, a matching bra and thong, and five french knickers. i could have ordered a dozen other pieces and sets but i couldn't let myself go out of control. i still have monthly bills to pay and i do not think i could live on fresh air and water alone for a month. sometimes i can buy things just for the sake of spending the money. and these things sometimes turn out to be things that i don't like, need or want. i know it's a bad thing to be throwing money away like that. i try to refrain myself from shopping when i know that my emotions and head is messed up as i know i will have the tendency to spend and splash out. i hate it whenever i feel out of touch and out of control from myself.

Nothing Compares To You

2006-03-19T21:23:00.000Z

i hate it that i am feeling this way towards you. i am actually resenting you right now. my head is spinning and pounding. my heart is beating fast. i can't type properly. but i need to let it all out. i only has two glasses. i can't be drunk.

i want to feel numb. i want to feel nothing. i want the heartache to go away. i want it to go so away badly. i want to disappear into the air. i want to hide in a hole. i don't want to shed anymore tears for you. i want to forget about you. i don't want to think about you. i don't want to know anything about you. i want all of these but can i forget about you just like that? i can't. i wished i have amnesia now. at least then i won't have to suffer with all the memories i had with you. at least i won't be able to recall or remember anything about you. i wished you had not existed in my life. i wished i could hate you with all my heart. i might feel a little bit better if i could hate you. but i can't cause i love you. i hate myself for loving you so much. i hate myself for getting emotionally involved with you. i should have stayed away and kept my distance from you. why didn't i do it? now, look at what i have brought myself into. i have to go through this all over again.

i told myself that i would never let another guy hurt me. i promised myself that i would not let myself be vulnerable. i didn't keep my promise, did i? i never learn my lesson. i go for the guys that i like. i always fall for them. and everytime it ends with my heart being broken. where did i go wrong? what did i go wrong? all i want is to be loved by the guy i love. is that too much to ask for? i thought i wouldn't need to go through anymore failed relationships. i was willing to give another chance at allowing someone into my life. it was a risk that i was willing to take with you. i trusted you. i opened up to you. i allowed myself to believe in you. i was afraid at first. but i went ahead. i thought if i never allowed you into my life or to let you know how i felt about you, i might regret it for life.

it doesn't matter now. i regret getting close to you. it's too late now. i can't turn back time. i can't pretend that my feelings for you were not real and not true. there are so many things that i wished i didn't do with you. just as i thought my life would look brighter and happier, this had to happen to me. i don't know how long is it going to take to be back to my usual self again. i don't know how long will it take me to get over you. i don't know if i can ever pass this dark cloud. but i do know that it will never be the same between you and me..

i have been playing this song over and over again and this is exactly how one can describe how i feel right now..

It's been seven hours and fifteen days
Since you took your love away
I go out every night and sleep all day
Since you took your love away
Since you been gone I can do whatever I want
I can see whomever I choose
I can eat my dinner in a fancy restaurant
But nothing
I said nothing can take away these blues
`Cause nothing compares
Nothing compares to you

It's been so lonely without you here
Like a bird without a song
Nothing can stop these lonely tears from falling
Tell me baby where did I go wrong
I could put my arms around every boy I see
But they'd only remind me of you
I went to the doctor n'guess what he told me
Guess what he told me
He said girl u better try to have fun
No matter what you'll do
But he's a fool
`Cause nothing compares
Nothing compares to you

all the flowers that you planted, mama
In the back yard
All died when you went away
I know that living with you baby was sometimes hard
But I'm willing to give it another try
Nothing compares
Nothing compares to you
Nothing compares
Nothing compares to you
Nothing compares
Nothing compares to you

Good Bye, Piggy

2006-03-19T17:29:00.000Z

this is not a bad dream that i thought it was.. this is for real.. this is the truth that i have to hear from you.. this is something i have to accept.. i have been dreading and wishing that this will never happen.. for months i have been living in denial; i have been secretly hoping and wishing that we may have a happy ending.. i thought we could get and be together when i go back in july.

i don't know why i like you so much. i don't know why i care for you so much. i don't know why i fell for you. i don't know why i allowed myself to be so vulnerable to you. i don't know why is this happening to me now.

i'm still in a state of shock. it didn't hit me at first. only later did it started to sink in into me. i feel angry. i feel sad. i feel hurt. i feel confused. i feel messed up. i feel horible. why am i feeling like this when we are nothing to each other in the first place? we were not in a relationship. we did not promise anything to each other. i was the stupid one to continue having all these feelings for you when you had stopped being interested in me after i left. you didn't want to take it further but i kept on hoping that you would. i feel so stupid for wanting and going for something that i know i can never have.

it's been a long time since i felt special and wanted. i was lonely and i was seeking for some attention and love from the opposite sex. you came along and things fell into place. you gave me what i was looking for. you made me smile and laugh again. you taught me to fall in love again.

i don't think we can go back to the way we were before. i don't think i can talk to you like i did before. i don't know when i will be able to talk to you again. i don't think i can talk to you like just friends; not for now at least. i can't pretend that i am alright. i can't pretend that nothing has happened. i can't go through this, sitting and watching you from a far. i can't face you right now cause it will only hurt me more. i don't know how long it will take me to get over you. but until then, i think i should stay away from you and have minimum contact with you. i need to get you out of my system first in order to move on. when i am ready, only can we start a new friendship.

it hurts to have to say this to you,
'good bye, piggy...'

Everybody Hurts

2006-03-18T15:30:00.000Z

When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes

Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on

'Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone

If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on

Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts. You are not alone

Fuzziness

2006-03-17T16:50:00.000Z

i have been thinking a lot again lately. i kinda have all these mixed feelings inside me. i can't seem to be able to describe what is it that is going on in my head in words. i have tried to break it down into smaller pieces and to take them one at a time but it seems to be all jumbled up and fuzzy. i just want all this in my head now to go away. i feel so tired thinking about it over and over; trying to look for solutions. it does sometimes feel like i have done all the thinking, and i am ready to carry out whatever i have thought on how to go about it, but then i somehow can't go through with it for some reason i may or may not know of, bringing me back to square one where i start to think about it all over again with hopes of searching for an answer to whatever i was thinking about in the beginning.

am i just thinking about unnecessary stuffs? maybe it is nothing. maybe there is nothing to think or worry about.

Should I, Shouldn't I?

2006-03-15T17:52:00.000Z

i think it is pretty. i like its design. i like its colour. i should also remind myself that it comes with an ATTRACTIVE price! i shouldn't be spending on things that i can actually do without. but i like it. but 'like' does not necessarily mean 'i got to have it', does it? i should think about it carefully. i don't want to regret and feel guilty for buying something that i later realise i don't really want or need. i know i love spending money but i hate to spend it on things that i THOUGHT i liked.

Sorry, We Can No Longer Be Friends

2006-03-11T15:37:00.000Z

your message last night gave me the creeps
i don't think we can be friends anymore
i thought you have gotten over it but your message clearly showed that you have not. it gives me no choice but to say this to you
i do not like being a bitch but i guess one has to be when the messages she has given you has failed to get through your head!
i am sorry i do not feel the same way as you do towards me
i am not sorry for cutting you out of my life for good now
if you ever do come across to reading this, i want you to know that i have no regrets for asking you to leave that night.
the only regret that i have is to have met and gotten to know you
please just leave me alone

The Weekend Is Here Again

2006-03-10T21:39:00.000Z

it is a friday night and i am sitting at my desk with my laptop, listening to 'the boy next door' album play as i write this entry..

this week, i had two midterm exams; one which i sat for this afternoon. i was expecting it to be much more harder but i think i did fairly alright. i stopped by at marks & spencer's on the way home to pick up some groceries for the weekend. i also picked up a bottle of chardonnay. i like treating myself at the weekends =) or should i say i tend to release the pig in me at the weekends. i will allow myself some chocolate or cookies or cake during the weekend and on days when pigging out seems like a nice comforting thing to do. but on weekdays, i stick to my diet of sandwiches and salads. since i can't have any chocolatey food until after easter, a glass of wine will just have to do for now..

it's going to be another quiet weekend staying in. i have to read some journals and will have to finish off the assignment which i am not looking forward to do..

Rain, Rain Go Away... Bah!! Sshhooo!!

2006-03-08T14:56:00.000Z

if there is only one thing that i can dislike about in this country,
it would be the horrible bitter cold, wet, oh-so-very-depressing weather!

it's so f***ing miserable and depressing when the sky is grey and it rains everyday
the sun will occasionally peep out from hiding behind the clouds for a few minutes before returning back to its hiding place.
even if it doesn't rain, it will still be a cold and windy day. it doesn't get any better with spring being around the corner.

where is the sun?!

i want the sun to come out
i've missed the sun.
i need some sunshine to brighten up my days.
i miss walking out of the house in my gucci sunnies, a sleeveless top, cotton pants and flip-flops

i want to complain about feeling hot and sweaty
i just miss those sunny days where i could walk out of the house and breathe in the crisp fresh air without wrapping myself up with layers of clothes, gloves and boots

Why Is It?

2006-03-08T11:09:00.000Z

love is not destroyed by a single failure or won by a single caress. it is a lifetime venture in which we are always learning, discovering and growing. the greatest irony of love is letting go when you need to hold on and holding on when you need to let go. we lose someone we love only when we are destined to find someone else who can love us even more than we can love ourselves. on falling out of love, take some time to heal and then get back on the horse. but don't ever make the same mistake of riding the same one that threw you the first time.

*******

love is like a knife. it can stab the heart or it can carve wonderful images into the soul that always last for a lifetime. love is supposed to be the most wonderful feeling. it should inspire you and give you joy and strength. but sometimes the things that give you joy can also hurt you in the end. loving people means giving them the freedom who they choose to be and where they choose to be. for all the heartaches and the tears, for gloomy days and fruitless years, you chould give thanks, for you know, that they were the things that helped you grow.

*******

loving someone means giving him the freedom to find his way, whether it leads towards you or away from you. love is a painful risk to take but the risk must be taken no matter how scary or painful, for only then you'll experience the fullness of humanity and that is love.

*******

only love can hurt your heart, fill you with desire and tear you apart. only love can make you cry and only love knows why. if you're not ready to cry, if you're not ready to take the risk, if you're not ready to feel the pain, then you're not ready to fall in love.

why has 'love' gotta be this strong, sad, painful, complicated and confusing?

maybe if 'love' wasn't any of these, then maybe you can't call it love..

A Very Special Lady

2006-03-07T14:44:00.000Z

i spent a great amount of time growing up around her. i loved playing in her house and outside in her garden. she used to fuss so much about me when i was small. she prepared my meals, sewed me pyjamas, got me ready for school. she even accompanied me throughout my first week at school. she used to make me read aloud to her as well as recite my times tables and practise playing the piano everyday. i tried to wriggle myself out from doing them. had a couple of succesful ones. some days i just couldn't get away from it.

i was around five or six years old when she took me to have my ears pierced. i remember her cleaning my newly pierced ears with spirit everyday for three weeks. it was ouch! ouch! ouch! it felt so stingy and raw especially when she removed the stud to apply some ointment onto it. i admit i have a low pain threshold. i remembered it hurt so much that i told myself i would never get another piercing. but i did get another one a few years back. surprisingly, it didn't hurt this time around.

she's very organized and acts very swiftly in everything she does. she still keeps herself occupied these days tending to her garden, doing the marketing, preparing family meals and organizing dinner parties. despite turning 85 this year, many people who saw her would agree that she does not look like her age. i know she is not growing younger or stronger anymore and that one day she will not be here anymore. i spent some quality time with her when i went back home in summer. we talked and shared many stories. she has taught me a lot in all the years i grew up around her. she has also given me many 'letures' over this period of time but i know she meant good. i can only hope and pray that the Lord continues to watch over her and bless her with good health for as long as possible. i want her to live to see me get married and to see her first greatgrandchild.

i miss you so much but i love you even more.. i can't wait to see you again in july..

HAPPY 85th BIRTHDAY, MAH MAH!!

With all my love
always and forever,

Your Granddaughter

Foot, Toe And Infections

2006-03-06T17:59:00.000Z

i've been paying extra care to my feet eversince undergoing a foot surgery last summer. i've no idea how or where i caught the nasty 'human papilloma virus' that caused a verucca to grow on the sole of my right foot. it started off as a harmless tiny pimple-like dot. who would have thought that in 3 months it would soon grow into a 10mm diameter wart!?

i've never heard of a verucca until i came to this country. it is supposedly to be a common thing to have a wart or two among the children and adults here. i applied a verucca ointment on it for about a month but it wasn't doing any good. i wouldn't have mind it so much if it wasn't affecting me. but it started to cause me a lot of pain due to the pressure i was putting on it whenever i walked. it just made walking so torturous till a point where i just stayed at home unless i really had to. i remembered to skipping a lot of classes last year. i went to see my GP hoping that she could cut it out or burn it maybe? instead she told me to use the duct tape treatment. i basically had to cover the verucca with a piece of duct tape for a week. i then soak it in water and rub it with an emery board. repeat this every week until the wart disappears. i thought she was joking at first when she told me that. but she was the doctor so i just followed her advice. i did this for weeks but there wasn't any improvement. i found the taping and rubbing actually made it even worse. it started to grow bigger and uglier. i was starting to feel quite depressed then.

i was so glad when term ended and i could finally fly back home. all i was interested was to get that damn foreign growth out from my feet so i could walk properly once more. and that was right on the top of my summer holiday's to-do-list. it took the wound four weeks to completely heal after the surgery. there's an ugly scar there now to remind me of it. i'm just really happy that it is no longer there. i no longer walk with a limp and i can wear my pretty stilettos once again!

two days ago, i noticed my baby right toe slightly puffy. i think i may have got an infection as it is looking red and it is double in size compared to the other toe. it's doesn't hurt but it's itchy and numb. it might just be a small matter. yet, i can't help but worry that it might lead to something more serious after the painful experience i went through with my foot the last time. it's not like i don't look after or keep my feet clean. i do! but what is it with me and feet infections?!?!

i hope the swelling subsides soon..

Coffee And Cigarettes

2006-03-04T16:27:00.000Z

I gave up coffee and cigarettes
I hate to say it hasn't helped me yet
I thought my problems would just dissipate
and all my pain would be in yesterday

I poured my booze all down the kitchen drain
and watched my bad habits get flushed away
I thought that that would keep my head on straight
and all my pain would be in yesterday

But it's true
I'm still blue
But I finally know what to do
I must quit
I must quit
You

you know how bad it can do to you. yet, you fall back into it everytime and you allow it to harm yourself. can you not try harder and stop? be strong my little one..

Chocolatey Foods And Shopping Trips

2006-03-02T17:53:00.000Z

in the Western Christian Calendar, Lent is the forty-day period between Ash Wednesday and Easter Sunday. yesterday was Ash Wednesday and it marked the first day of Lent. Lent was traditionally observed through fasting, both from food and festivities, and by other acts of penance. these days, people give up something they enjoy, and often give the time or money spent on doing that to charitable purposes or organizations.

i've decided to give up all chocolatey foods and my twice-a-month shopping trips to london this Lent. i only began observing Lent when i came over here. i was brought up in the Catholic faith by my parents. when i was young and was still living at home, they made it compulsory to attend mass every Sunday and on all Holy Days of Obligation. i've not been a good girl as i've not been going to church every sunday since coming back here. but i try to go every now and then. i'm not exactly a very holy person. maybe that is why i feel slightly guilty therefore i want to do some penance. and since it is Lent now, i thought it would be good if i could give up something that i enjoy and love doing.

i would say giving up chocolate is quite a generous thing for me to do. i cannot give chocolate up for good. i could definately do without it for forty days. giving up chocolate for the rest of my life would be like asking me to give up sex forever! i couldn't do that. i couldn't live without them in my life. i love them too much =) but here's the catch.. i'm not just giving up CHOCOLATES. i'm giving up ALL CHOCOLATEY foods. that means that i'm going to abstain myself from chocolate chip cookies, chocolate ice cream, chocolate fudge cake, chocolate mousse, m&m's peanuts, cadbury's fruit and nuts bar, nesquick cereal.. i shall be staying far away from any food that has chocolate in it. shites! i think this is going to be quite a challenge than i thought it would be.

i gave up chocolates, just the bars and candies, and alcohol in my first year. last year i gave up meat: chicken, lamb, pork and beef and something else maybe? i can't remember now. so this year, it'll be chocolatey foods and my shopping trips to london. i must be pretty mad to give up the two things i so love from my life! will i be able to last or will i just give up half way? we shall see...

I'd Like You To Read

2006-03-01T20:06:00.000Z

i wasn't sure at first if i wanted you to read this so early. i knew sooner or later i would have told you about this but i thought of keeping it from you a bit longer till i had written a little bit more. i guess i'm bad at hiding stuffs from you. i've come to learn to share stuffs with you which i found hard to do with others over the last few months. i'm slowly learning not to keep everything to myself. so instead of telling things to you in person, i'll tell them to you through here and hopefully you'll drop by and read. i just hope things won't start changing differently after i share this with you..

Is Everything Gonna Be Alright Now?

2006-02-28T21:36:00.000Z

"Sorry again. I don't think I should say much because I'm tired and I'm bound to say something that will anger you and I'll regret. Hope to talk to you some other time, that is if you would still talk to me. Sorry piglet. Good night."

Would he still want to talk to me after what i did to him? Is everything gonna be alright now?

'I'm sorry too. Good night piggy,' said the voice in her head.

Will You Forgive Me?

2006-02-28T19:37:00.000Z

did you think i was not capable of understanding of what you are going through now? did you think i like to bug you and forced you into having a conversation with me everytime i see you online? i can't believe we argued big time over this. i am upset and the thing is i don't really know why am i that upset or why am i so bothered and so worked up over you? do i feel better now that i've said it all out at you? NO! instead i feel like shit. i feel angry at myself for always having a go at you. if only i could keep it inside me. but i couldn't. i could have let it out over here but i had to let it out at you as well. i've done this so many times. i know i've thrown hurtful words at you before. i thought i could save ranting at you now that i can write it all down here. this is where i am supposed to spill all my happy, sad, confusing, angry thoughts and feelings.

i can't believe that you would actually think of portraying yourself in that manner and allow me to think of you like that. i can't believe that you could hurt and disappoint me. so your excuse to not have been communicating much to me lately is due to the fact that you have been busy studying and working. i can understand that you can't afford to waste any of your time now to chat online or to talk to me on the ohone once a week. okay, that is totally fine with me. what i can't understand is that you can't find a minute to reply my text messages or to text me. that i totally can't accept. maybe it has become a routine for me to hear from you everyday even if it is only one text message. but out of the blue when you stop sending me text messages, i'll get a funny feeling over here and this funny feeling tells me something is not that right on your side. and i'll soon fret about it and make it a huge big thing that i'll throw at you. i've done it so many times at you and you never fight back. but not this time.

i guess i just have to adapt to not chatting and talking to you as much as we used to or as much as i want to. i'll leave you to study in peace and will not disturb you with my random rants and whines like before. i'll stay out of your life as much as possible. i promise there will be no more bugging and distracting you either. i shall be doing a lot more writing now instead of talking and if ever you want to know how your piggy is, you know where to find her.. just promise me you won't push her away..

Sedate Me

2006-02-28T15:15:00.000Z

i feel like drowning myself in alcohol so my brain would be numb, sleepy and calm so i wouldn't have the chance to think about you or think about anything that is related to you.. i could drown my sadness and frustration over you as well.. but would drinking do much help for me? i don't think so.. i would most probably throw up all night and wake up to a bad hangover and feel completely shit in the morning for the entire rest of the day.. i will soon have you back on my thoughts.. and it'll only be a cycle of getting drunk just to not have you on my mind?! how i wished i could shut my brain down sometimes..

i hate myself for feeling like this.. i hate you for making me feel like this..

Affairs Of The Heart

2006-02-28T11:28:00.000Z

i'm not too sure or should i say i don't know why, what and how happened between us especially in this recent week.. maybe you have not felt it but i have.. things doesn't feel right now.. maybe i'm too sensitive but i've picked these small little things that you never showed to me before but you do now. maybe i still expect you to do things for me to a certain extent that's why you're avoiding me now.. we talk so much lesser nowadays; it'a a 'hi' and 'bye', i guess we never talked much before either but i was then happy. i feel so silly sometimes.. feeling miserable when i dont hear of you.. i still think of you so much over here, and i hate myself for not being able to let you go. i care about you too much. i don't know how much longer i can go on..

you keep me sane.. you keep me grounded to the floor.. but i don't know if we can continue to be each other's piggy's when there's too much emotions being tied to us; at least that's how it is for me. i feel like i have all these feelings for you which i shouldn't be having and you've made it clear right from the start but i just couldn't help it.. i'm confused about you and maybe a rude awakening from you might be the best thing i need right now. tell me you no longer feel the same way about me. tell me you no longer think of me or miss me as much as you did. tell me that you're selfish and you're not the guy i thought you were. tell me that you've moved on and you've found someone and that you're seeing her now. i don't wanna guess anymore. i don't wanna shed anymore tears for you. i don't wanna feel cranky and moody when i don't hear from you. i don't wanna feel like i am bugging you all the time. but with you keeping quiet and all lately, i think i finally got your message..

i sometimes wonder why do i act so foolishly when it comes to matters of the heart.. i would have thought that after three failed relationships, i would have learnt something out of it.. i experienced my first boy-girl relationship when i was 16. i was sweet, young and innocent at that time. i thought i was in love. he made me feel very special. everything seemed fine, then all of a sudden he dropped a bombshell onto me. i felt very hurt for allowing him play with my feelings and promised myself not to let another guy hurt me like he did. looking back at it now, it was just a 'puppy love'. the last and most recent relationship i had was with this guy, sean. it ended ten months ago. we would have been in our fourth year if we were still together today. it's a long story about him to write now.. i'll talk about him another time..

i guess i feel very vulnerable now after what happened between me and sean. i was hurt so badly by him that i'm now so weary about men. as much as i would want to fall in love and be in a new relationship, there is still part of me that is very afraid to get involve with a man as i am terrified of getting hurt and having my heartbroken again. i tend to keep a distance from guys now. i'm very careful at not letting them come too close to get to know me. sometimes i show a very shy side of me, and at other times i show a confident me. it's always an act that i put on at the front. in a way, i feel that it will protect me if he doesn't know the real me.

i was shy when i first met piggy. i started warming up and opening up to him as we got closer and i got to know him better; something which i hardly do to other guys. i felt comfortable with piggy. he gave me this different kind of feeling that i've never felt with any other guy i've met before. i thought it was just a small crush that i had for him and it'll eventually disappear. but it hasn't till today. i still get butterflies in my stomach when i hear from him. i'll be grumpy and disappointed if i didn't get to hear from him in a day. i feel comfortable sharing and telling him anything to everything. i don't have to pretend to be someone else when i'm around him. piggy makes me laugh. piggy cheers me up when i am down. piggy listens to me when i need to rant about something. piggy keeps me company when i feel lonely. piggy has somewhat become a part of my life now.. yet i still feel pangs of sadness..

i have too much feelings for piggy.. i love him.. i care about him.. i want him to be in my life.. i just want the guy i love to love me and want me back.. and it hurts not knowing if whether he feels the same way about me.. it hurts that there is so much i want and can give to this guy.. am i very foolish for loving him? what if he is the guy that i am supposed to love and i just throw it all away by not loving him anymore? i feel so emotionally involved with him.. we have done things like normal couples-in-love do; yet, we are not a couple. and it confuses me.. what am i to him? where do i stand in his life? are we just friends with benefits? do i mean something more to him? is there a us somewhere down the road? i just think i need to know the answers as i can't continue to love him like this. it's too draining. i'm not sure either if we can stay friends now and forget everything that happened between us.. i dare not thing what it would be like if i completely cut him out from my life.. it would be so empty..

i'm hurting so much inside.. why did i allow myself to be tangled up with affairs of the heart??

Perfect Major

2006-02-27T22:15:00.000Z

i've always enjoyed solving mathematical problems in school.. it made me feel good whenever i was able to solve a tough question; one that required me to think and use my brain more. i guess it helped a bit with being forced by my mom to do a level or two higher of maths worksheets when i was younger. it was pure torture then for a small kid to do pages of maths when she could be out playing in the garden or with her dolls..

philosophy? journalism? i may have thought of reading that in university.. i can't believe i scored pretty low for the language based subjects. i've this fascination of learning new languages although i've failed terribly in picking up my mother-tongue.. maybe i just don't have what it takes to learn languages. i'm not the least surprise to see the science subjects at the lower end of the scale. i was bad in it in high school; i never intended to do a science major anyway.

so i've scored psychology as my prefect major.. i wonder how reliable can this quiz be.. hmmm..

You scored as Psychology. You should be a Psychology major!

Psychology

92%

Mathematics

83%

Philosophy

75%

Journalism

75%

Sociology

67%

Dance

67%

Linguistics

67%

Engineering

58%

English

58%

Theater

58%

Art

42%

Biology

42%

Anthropology

42%

Chemistry

25%

What is your Perfect Major? (PLEASE RATE ME!!<3)
created with QuizFarm.com

Alcohol Acquaintance

2006-02-27T16:37:00.000Z

i was never a party-girl. i've never entered a club or a bar in my hometown. i've never clubbed with my home girlfriends either. my dad forbade me to go to those places as he said i was still too young for the party-scene; i was also slapped with a strict curfew. i had to be the obedient daughter as i was living under his roof back then.

my first visit to a bar took place three years ago when i was out of town visiting my-ex. he was quite a party-boy and he brought me along to meet his friends. till today, my parents have no clue that their daughter had been out partying all night. i think it's harmless for not telling them what i had been up to when i was away from home as i didn't want them to be worried about me. at least i don't visit bars and clubs when i'm back in my hometown. i don't think keeping them up waiting up all night for me is a good idea. nevertheless, i have to say that my first time at a bar was an eye-opener for me and sometimes you just gotta experience somethings once in your life!

three years ago, i couldn't hold a drink. three sips of jack daniel's with coke would have left me in a very tipsy state. i've improved since coming to university. the local students here are big drinkers. they drink their beer like i drink my water! i spent my first year living and hanging out with these bunch of people. and in no time did i notice that i was able to hold my drinks. the floor and house parties we threw helped me a lot. i remember one time in my freshers' year, i polished off a bottle of wine plus another 8 drinks on one night. that was the most i've ever had in one night!

i'm not a fan of beer. i try to avoid drinking it as it makes me sick even before i finish it. i started with the friendly girlie drinks. they call it alcopops (flavoured alcoholic beverage) over here. i got better and i moved on to spirits like jack daniel's, vodka, gin and bailey's. i still do a glass of chardonnay or merlot or chiraz now and then with meals at home. my favourite alcoholic beverage would be gin and tonic with lemon and ice. i love my cocktails too!

it has been quite awhile since i let my hair down and enjoyed myself.. i only party in company with my favourite party-babe and ex-housemates. most of the time i end up binge drinking when i'm out with her. and that is not very good.
was out the other night and was a little smashed after two sex and the beaches, a glass of cabernet sauvignon, two double gin and tonics, one vodka and coke and one sour apple shot.
i don't think i've ever gotten really really drunk before as i can always remember how many and what i've had to drink the previous night. you wouldn't be able to do that if you were drunk would you?

My Valentine By Martina McBride

2006-02-26T23:23:00.000Z

If there were no words
No way to speak
I would still hear you

If there were no tears
No way to feel inside
I'd still feel for you

And even if the sun refuse to shine
Even if romance ran out of rhyme
You would still have my heart
Until the end of time
You're all i need
My love, my valentine

All of my life
I have been waiting for
All you give to me
You've opened my eyes
And showed me how to love unselfishly

I've dreamed of this a thousand times before
In my dreams i couldnt love you more
I will give you my heart
Until the end of time
You're all i need
My love, my valentine

Sad And Confused

2006-02-26T22:31:00.000Z

we have not been speaking much to each other lately..
not speaking as much as we used to..
i guess we have been wrapped up in our own things..
i am afraid of us drifting apart..
i cannot help but feel as though we are no longer close like before..
i have some things i want to ask you..
but i am afraid to ask..
afraid to hear the things i do not want to hear..
i do not know what went wrong..
everything seemed alright at the beginning..
then somehow, things started to change..
i thought i was being paranoid..
you said to me that you have not changed..
but i think you have..
i feel that you are different now..
you seem very distant to me..
i feel awkward whenever we talk now..

i think we are drifting apart..
i think that you no longer think of me like before..
i think that you no longer feel the same way about me anymore..

maybe it is time to let you go..

I Miss....

2006-02-25T22:51:00.000Z

i miss your almond-like eyes
i miss your smile
i miss your freshly-showered scent
i miss your yellow couch
i miss your fish
i miss your hard pillows
i miss your cold-water shower
i miss your SATC dvds
i miss your kisses
i miss listening to the music play from your study
i miss cuddling up with you on the couch
i miss the agitated you complaining about the chickens and birds
i miss watching you fall asleep
i miss watching you cook in the kitchen
i miss reading your stack of magazines you have
i miss sitting inside your car waiting for you in the funny farm
i miss tickling you
i miss your hugs
i miss the funny noise you make while you sleep
i miss the walks with you at the monkey park
i miss going to the market for breakfast
i miss eating clogging-up-artery food with you
i miss people-watching with you
i miss not living 5 minutes away from you
i miss hearing your laugh
i miss lying quietly beside you
i miss having you around me

i miss you and just everything about you..

A Visitor

2006-02-25T20:07:00.000Z

i nearly forgot what is it like to have company until my girl friend, kirsty came to visit me a couple of days ago. i've been living alone in this two bedroom flat for almost a year and half now. i was actually sharing the house with a chinese girl when i came back in october; but, she moved out early this month. she was very quiet and shy and i hardly saw her around the house. it felt like i was living alone even when i did have a rommate.

kirsty was my first friend i made when i came to university. we were in the same course and we lived on the same floor in the same halls of residence. we kicked it off straight away and we became very close. towards the end of our first year, she started having some problems. i was devastated when i learnt what she was going through. she left before the term ended. i remember crying in my room the night when she moved out. i wasn't sure if i was going to see her after the summer holidays. there was a chance that she would not be well enough to come back to uni. i felt helpless and useless as there i was, being her closest friend, yet it took me awhile to realise that she has not been well for sometime. i felt kinda lost as well as i've been spending most of my time with her for the past eight months and all of a sudden she wasn't here anymore..

she did come back to uni after summer and we were so excited as we were moving into a house together with five other boys. we were looking forward for a year of fun. but our hopes were dashed when she relapsed in the first week back at uni. i sometimes still blame myself for not catching the signs. i told myself that i'll have to keep an eye on her when i found out that she was coming back. she was not herself at all and i didn't see it coming.. i was deceived by the face.

it was that very night when i was feeling too tired to go out with them as i had been going out for the last few nights in a row that i just wanted to chill at home and have an early night. she instead went out with them. i was in my room when i started to hear loud noises coming from her room. i knew she was back then. i went to check on her. i switched on the lights and i was shocked to see her wardrobe crashed onto the floor, her mirror smashed with broken glass all over the carpet floor. she was not in the room.

i found her sitting on the bathroom floor and i just burst into tears when i saw the state she was in. i couldn't think straight and i felt scared for i was the only one at home. i wasn't sure what to do. i sat beside her and we both cried. i asked her why was she so stupid to do it. i knew she needed professional help but she was adamant to get help. i somehomw managed to coax her and got her admitted. she quit uni for good and went back home after she was discharged. i was pretty upset from it all. i felt angry at her for harming herself. i felt angry at myself for allowing her harm herself. shortly after that, i too moved out as i only had bad memories of the place. i wanted to put it all behind me. there was a point where i kinda pushed her out of my life..

it's been over a year now since that incident happened. kirsty and i are bac at being good friends again. she is a much happier person now and things seem to be running smoothly in her life. she is doing a course in a different college, has a part time job and is currently in a relationship. she came up to spend a few days with me as the last time i saw her was in october. we did lots of catching up, shopping, and eating.. we even had an awesome nightout drinking and dancing.. something i've miss doing with her..

now that my visitor has left, it's back to me, myself and the house..

A Little Crush

2006-02-25T16:06:00.000Z

i first met him back in june 2004. it was my summer holidays and i was back at home. i didn't want to be a sloth or a couch potato so i took up my mother's advice of doing a clinical attachment at the general hospital.

i can still remember the first time he caught my attention; he was standing out there with the staff, and i was sitting inside the room. i saw him and i wondered to myself who could that smartly-dressed-cute guy be.. i had no idea who he was or what was his name as we never did have the chance to speak to each other. until one day, i was asked to follow a specialist to the ward. so happened it was his turn to follow the specialist on that day. it was only after that that we soon began to talk. my summer that year came and went by very quickly. my attachment soon ended and i had to leave home once again to return back here. i was pretty disappointed as i didn't get to see him on my last day at the clinic. i told myself that it was only a little crush and i will soon forget about him..

many things happened to us separately after that. we kept in touch over the next nine months while i was back here studying. i realised that i still had a crush on him after so long but i didn't want to risk our friendship. i was soon due to go back home again for the summer. i was looking forward to going home as i was hoping that i might be able to see him again this time around.

little did i know what was in store for me that summer 2005..

Go On My Child..

2006-02-24T22:12:00.000Z

i like songs with good meaningful lyrics. i have to say most of them that i like are quite slow, sad and depressing. piggy introduced and taught me how to appreciate this type of music when i went home for summer. i've been getting better at picking out good songs ever since i came back here. i guess my taste in music has matured quite a bit now that i'm growing older..

the song with the above title is one of my favourite songs that i listen to whenever i need a pick-me-up. it is a song about not giving up so easily; one should continue to keep afloat no matter how bad things seem to be cause there will be light at the end of the tunnel. things don't always look or seem to be as bad as we think they are.. there are many ups and downs that one has to experience in life.. i try to tell and remind myself that when i am feeling blue and sad. someone close once said to me, ''everything is just a phase.. the dark cloud will eventually go away..''

i'm not sure how long it will take but some part of me still believes that the dark cloud will go away and things will look brighter once again..

here's the lyrics to the song 'Go On My Child' by Michelle Featherstone

Don't hang your head low 'cause I can't see your face
in your reflection I see your beauty embrace
and when the light shines bright to show you your way
do not be weary don't turn your head away

so let the critics look upon you with a thousand eyes
and let their tongues do their judging and criticize
and you just sit here before us and reveal your life

go on, go on my child
go on, go on my child

your soul is aching and it's dying to be heard
this might be painful but consider the worth
and when you feel like there's nobody on your side
they will embrace you with a radiant smile

so let the critics look upon you with a thousand eyes
and let their tongues do their judging and criticize
and you just sit here before us and reveal your life

go on, go on my child
go on, go on my child

so you wanna give up and you can't find strength
but I believe that you will make it in the end
so you wanna step back and you want to retreat
but I believe that there ain't nothing you can't be
nothing you can't be

don't feel so naked I am the blanket of hope
your words are life rafts and they keep us afloat
and when this long painful journey comes to an end
they will be touched by the message
the message you've sent

so let the critics look upon you with a thousand eyes
and let their tongues do their judging and criticize
and you just sit here before us and reveal your life

go on, go on my child
go on, go on my child
go on, go on my child
go on, go on my child
go on, go on my child

Finally Getting Started

2006-02-24T20:45:00.000Z

there's so much going on in my life, inside my head at the moment that i need a place where i can pour and let everything out

i've always found writing therapeutic but all this while i've been afraid to start a blog
i didn't quite like the idea of revealing my personal thoughts and life to strangers.
this image inside my head..
me standing naked on a stage performing for an audience
sounds traumatising enough to me

i was worried that people might start to judge me and think of me differently after reading all of this. and suppose they do, what can i do about that? should i really care of what others might think of me? should i let them deter me from writing just because i'm afraid of what they might think of me.
it's really my space here. i should be allowed to write whatever and however i like. i'm not here to please anyone but myself.

i admit i think a lot
i admit i worry a lot too
don't think i'll exhaust myself as much as i do now if i can learn to let some of it out. the thing is i don't quite like to share what's in my head with people. i don't like to expose my thoughts or problems to others. i tend to keep everything to myself.
i know there must be many other people who does the same. but i sometimes wonder if anybody feels that they wished they could let things out a bit so he or she will not feel so suffocated?

sometimes i share
i let a few certain people into my life. yet, there are still some things that i've not been quite able to tell and share with them.
i just feel the need of getting them out sometimes..
there are too many things inside my little brain now that i feel like it's going to burst anytime soon if i don't get it out!
if not all, half is good enough

i think i've finally found the courage to bring myself here to write
maybe this is the only way to let the things that needs to be let out
this is the right time to start
cause if i don't start now, i don't think i ever will